RTFM

If you didn't know, RTFM stands for: Read The Fucking Manual.

Bet you didn't know condoms came with manuals, eh? Now the fun part comes with reading the directions while you have a hard-on, with a naked woman by your side. Who the hell would do that?



Here's the part you can't really see in the pic:

Hold tip while you unroll condom... all the way down to the hair. [You're screwed if you shave or wax.] If condom doesn't unroll, it's on wrong [duh]. Throw it away. Start over with a new one.

The scary part is the pictures. Take a close look. The pictures are drawn in a really cartoony way. It's like Joe Camel... I think they're trying to market these condoms to kids. Perhaps they secretly want kids to start having sex. Maybe that's the reason why the male and female in the pictures have no bush, but instead have peach fuzz.

Ah heck. Maybe it might be a good thing for kids to start having safe sex.

Truth in Advertising: Willy

This is going to be crude.

Today's topic for Truth in Advertising is a young man named Willy. It's an appropriate name. Willy has a big willy. He's a bull.



This is Willy. Quite the stud eh? He's a seventeen year old high school student, and one heck of a mountain bike rider.



You may have seen him co-starring in a short movie called Playground.



Now here's the thing. Willy got himself a big tool.



A hammer, if you will. And he uses it to nail, and pound, and hit anything with a vagina and two legs. And I think the girls can either sense it, or they can pick up his genitallic scent because they're rushing for a chance to ride his baloney pony.



I'm not kidding. Girls are literally throwing themselves at him. He's one of the few guys who can do the "smell my finger," routine and have three different punchlines at the same time.



It's lucky for Willy that Cosco opened a store on this island. He can now buy his condoms in bulk. It's also lucky for Malaysia since their GNP rose 8% just on the rubber sales.



If you watched the video, you'd notice that Willy rides with jeans. He has to. Three weeks ago he tried to ride without jeans and his donkey cock kept flapping in the breeze.



One silver-haired granny saw him ride past and remarked, "oh deary my! I haven't been this excited since Nimitz issued shore leave."



Calling Willy's willy a donkey cock may not be all too fair. A more apt description would be whale dork.



I'm serious. In fact, today he was following me on the downhill ride and I felt him tap me on the shoulder. When I looked back, he still had both hands on the handlebar. I never pedalled as desperately as I did today.

I also heard that Ron Jeremy is secretly paying Willy to not show his penis on any public media.



I know some of you reading this are thinking that I'm jealous. Truth be told, yes I am. Willy is such a selfish fuck! How the hell is a mild mannered micro-cock supposed to get any play when Willy's hogging all the chicks?



I'm seething. grrrr.

Even Riley is dumbfounded at the size differential.

$20,000 Pile of Crap Lucky

K: From what it sounds like, someone jumped the gun.

Me: Who?

K: Those guys.

Me: What guys?

K: The other group.

Me: What group?

K: This other group. Some other guys.

Me: What the fuck are you talking about? I have no fucking clue who anyone is.

Gotta love it when people think you know everything that happens in this world.

Anyway... I thought I would talk about financial responsibility and Hilo. Those two topics just go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly. Or maybe not.



I used to have a friend who often bragged about his awesome Harley. "This bike would be worth over $20,000 and I got it for like 6," he would drone. He would justify spending thousands of dollars on a bike because he was getting a great deal.



This isn't the same kind of Harley that he was talking about, but it doesn't matter. Most Harleys are crap anyway, so any picture would do.

The truth of this $20,000 Harley was that it looked like this:



Yessiree! That pile of crap parts you have laying about in the living room sure looks like twenty-grand. I think he mistook fantasy for reality. The fantasy could be a really kick ass bike. The reality was that he spent a shitload of cash on metallic crap.

It would be like me buying a bunch of art supplies:



Then trying to pass it off as a billion dollar painting.



Knowing my luck, I would probably accidentally punch a hole in it while showing it to friends.

Now this same guy wanted to buy an air compressor to use around the garage. Most normal, sane people would have bought maybe a 3-5 gallon compressor. Maybe even a 10-15 if they were going to use power tools.



Not this guy. He bought something close to 100 gallons. The thing was so big it was lucky he didn't have a laundry dryer. It took up the dryer spot in the laundry room.



His thinking was that it was too good a deal to pass up. I think he got it for about $500, which is a very, very good price. Totally unnecessary though. He could have bought a smaller one for under $200.

The grandiose size of the compressor matched his grandiose dreams. His plan was to have a full set of air tools... impact guns... spray guns... which could still work... with a smaller compressor... sigh...

Fool and his money and all that.

On the other hand, some fools live a charmed life. Another friend arrived home one day with this:



He found it in a surplus store and thought it was hilarious. So he bought it for $10. OK, so ten bucks is a cheap price to pay for some yucks, but did we really need a condom vending machine at home?

After admiring it for an hour, he set to it with some tools. He wanted to see the insides. He found a few condoms.



And about $8 in loose change. The previous owner never bothered to empty the coin receptacle before chucking the vending machine.



I guess it was all ribbed for his pleasure. Lucky fucker.