Squiggy, the intrepid explorer, has gone where many men have gone before. However, his journeys have been unique in the history of mankind since it was the first time, in all known time, that Squiggy, himself, has actually gone somewhere. OK, enough of the inane babel.
I have hiked Waipoo, Kamuela, Sleeping Giant, Mahaulepu, Nualolo, Awaawapuhi, Kaapoko Tunnel, and Hanakapiai.
Through my adventures I have learned many lessons; lessons I will share with you today.
1. No matter where on the island you start, the trail will be uphill. Both ways.
2. No one likes Honey and Oats granola bars.
3. My cheapo, ill-fitting, Famous Footwear cross trainers have more grip than most hiking boots.
4. Black socks hide mud.
5. Girls: you can't beat them; you can't push them off a cliff.
6. Factor in another 120 minutes to your hike if you have a girl with a digital camera.
7. Spam musubi beat tuna bagels.
8. When a girl whines 2 hours into a 9 hour hike, sing a song inside your head.
9. Hiking sticks are for sissies.
10. If it has thorns, my friend, Indian Girl, will find it.
11. Hiking without reaching your destination is like sex without an orgasm. You get sweaty and have a wonderful time, but then you wonder how the ending could have been and you want to try it again.
12. Pack enough fluids and food for 1.5 people and carry extra footwear so a girl wearing slippers (flipflops) can show you up on the trail.
13. I suck at Thumb War.
14. Smaller people have greater stamina on the trail and they are easier to push off a cliff.
15. I pee 4 times as much as the next person.
16. Check the temperature of any body of water you plan to jump in. You don't need free gender reassignment.
17. If girls dare you to go skinny dipping by saying, "confidence is a big plus," don't listen. See #16 for what would be a BIG MINUS.
18. Don't try to catch falling kids.
19. Even after 5 hours of hiking, you too can find the energy to sprint to save your friends if they're in danger.
20. Before attempting #19, make sure your friends are really in danger and not just teasing a pig.
21. Pretty girls still smell great after hiking all day.
22. If a girl can tease you on a trail, she will.
23. Hike behind a pretty girl so you can watch her bum.
23A. And so she can't see you huffing and puffing.
23B. And so she can't smell you.
24. Addendum to 23: When you look at a girl's bum, you will trip on a rock.
25. I've sold my soul many times over to various devils and demons for hot water and soap.
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