Crazy Guy on a Nude Beach

House Monger: Hey, I'm free this weekend. Let's go hiking.

Nonwheezer: Okay.

HM: I want to go to that waterfall place.

NW: Okay.

(8:00 AM)

HM: Hey, change of plans. Let's go down to Mahaulepu. I want you to show me the nude beach.

NW: . . .

HM: I want to get rid of my tanlines.

NW: . . . uh.

And that's how I got roped into hiking to a nude beach.

NW: Alright. Pick me up at 10.

HM: Okay. See you then.

House Monger arrived promptly at 10:40, and we drove off to the south side. She had a lousy night with her partner (heh, sounds like she could be a lesbian, eh?) so we had to listen to depressing love songs. Lucky for me though, she kept talking and only stopped to breathe. Her chatter drowned out the sob-songs.



We left Mahaulepu. As you can see, the water looked great.



See?



Along the way, there were cool little spots like this.



30 minutes into the hike. Are we there yet?



Almost...



Sweet! Here it is. I don't know if it really is a nude beach, but it's secluded. You have to hike for about 45 minutes to get here, and there are many nooks and crannies you can hide your naked body in.



Frolic! Frolic! Frolic! Chariots of Fire!



I want to pump you up.



Um... I think this is sufficiently gay without any comment.



I was pooped after all that playing.

Ka'apoko Tunnel Hike

This hike is a tough one. It can get pretty muddy, with sections so deep you sink down to your knees. There are also places where the trail actually angles down toward cliff edges. It's about 2.5 miles to the first tunnel, which is almost a mile long. There's supposed to be a second tunnel after that that's less than a mile, and it's supposed to bring you out to a beautiful waterfall.

It's an all day hike through mud, darkness, rain, rivers, and mosquitoes.

So when Machu Pichu emailed me that we're either doing this hike, or going on another one with the Sierra Club, I decided to try this tunnel hike again.

Here's the pics. No story. Too tired to think of one.

Bamboo Forest with bugs and mud up to your shin.


Nice view.


I was wet already from the rain and the bushes, so I decided to jump in. MP suggested I keep my clothes on.


Yes, it was muddy.


Found the tunnel.


Prepping. Needed to get out my flashlight.


And tabis she never used.


The first section of tunnel was cool. Almost a mile long, and you can see the light at the end, but it takes you 30 minutes to get there. This section had us ducking.


Nice river on the other side.


Apparently we got close to the second tunnel, but we just couldn't find it.

Wisdom of the Hike

(Cue Indiana Jones theme)

Squiggy, the intrepid explorer, has gone where many men have gone before. However, his journeys have been unique in the history of mankind since it was the first time, in all known time, that Squiggy, himself, has actually gone somewhere. OK, enough of the inane babel.

I have hiked Waipoo, Kamuela, Sleeping Giant, Mahaulepu, Nualolo, Awaawapuhi, Kaapoko Tunnel, and Hanakapiai.







Through my adventures I have learned many lessons; lessons I will share with you today.

1. No matter where on the island you start, the trail will be uphill. Both ways.

2. No one likes Honey and Oats granola bars.

3. My cheapo, ill-fitting, Famous Footwear cross trainers have more grip than most hiking boots.

4. Black socks hide mud.

5. Girls: you can't beat them; you can't push them off a cliff.

6. Factor in another 120 minutes to your hike if you have a girl with a digital camera.

7. Spam musubi beat tuna bagels.

8. When a girl whines 2 hours into a 9 hour hike, sing a song inside your head.

9. Hiking sticks are for sissies.

10. If it has thorns, my friend, Indian Girl, will find it.

11. Hiking without reaching your destination is like sex without an orgasm. You get sweaty and have a wonderful time, but then you wonder how the ending could have been and you want to try it again.

12. Pack enough fluids and food for 1.5 people and carry extra footwear so a girl wearing slippers (flipflops) can show you up on the trail.

13. I suck at Thumb War.

14. Smaller people have greater stamina on the trail and they are easier to push off a cliff.

15. I pee 4 times as much as the next person.

16. Check the temperature of any body of water you plan to jump in. You don't need free gender reassignment.

17. If girls dare you to go skinny dipping by saying, "confidence is a big plus," don't listen. See #16 for what would be a BIG MINUS.

18. Don't try to catch falling kids.

19. Even after 5 hours of hiking, you too can find the energy to sprint to save your friends if they're in danger.

20. Before attempting #19, make sure your friends are really in danger and not just teasing a pig.

21. Pretty girls still smell great after hiking all day.

22. If a girl can tease you on a trail, she will.

23. Hike behind a pretty girl so you can watch her bum.

23A. And so she can't see you huffing and puffing.

23B. And so she can't smell you.

24. Addendum to 23: When you look at a girl's bum, you will trip on a rock.

25. I've sold my soul many times over to various devils and demons for hot water and soap.