I Should Not Be Allowed Near Women

Been a while since I wrote something. I actually had a busy October, but I promised not to write about it. So you guys will have to be satisfied with November. For November, I seem to be having weird interactions with women.

This is what happened when the Band Teacher and I went out to lunch one day:

We were seated and a nice caucasian waitress came over to take our order. After she left, I said, "she looks like she works out."

When the waitress came back with our drinks, I asked if she works out.

"I surf and swim a lot. I haven't been to a gym since I moved here though. But I love the beaches around here. I'm from San Diego, but the ocean around here is just so much better. Is it my large shoulders? Back in school, the guys used to ask me to flex. Do they look weird?"

"Not at all. In fact, I think you look very attractive."

After she thanked me, she went back to work. I talked to the BT about body language and how it's fun to see all these couples here and try to figure out what's going on. Then I said that if someone was watching us, they would be wondering what the hell was going on. I was looking at every single attractive female in the place while my "girl" took it casually. The BT said that if they paid attention to her body language, they should know we weren't a couple. I told her she was wrong. Then I pointed out how the hostess wanted to seat us side by side.

I then noticed the waitress had her back to us while she fiddled with those computerized drink terminal thingies. She had nicely shaped legs, but the BT refused to look when I told her to.

When the waitress came over with our food, I spoke again.

"I never got your name."

"Oops. I'm sorry. It's C*****. We're supposed to introduce ourselves when we first greet the customers. . . [she spoke too fast at this point]."

Lunch took some time to finish. I had a really big cheese burger and the BT had a fish taco. I told her to be ready because I was going to make a fool of myself. C***** came back with our bill.

"Hey C*****, what do you think of this? I'm a 35 year old teacher. I love mountain biking and riding motorcycles. Any of that sound interesting?"

"Yeah! I love motorcycles."

"How about movies? You interested in movies?"

"Oh, I do love going to the movies, but I have a boyfriend."

"Might not be a good idea then."

"Yeah. But um, aren't you with, um. . . your wife. . . girlfriend?"

The BT piped up, "oh no. I'm just the sister he never knew he had nor wanted."

"Oh, you two are just friends," C***** asked.

I replied, "yup. But the funny thing is we were just talking about how people would mistake us for a couple."

C***** finished with, "you know what? Thanks. You really made my day."

"No problem. In fact, I really enjoyed looking at you." [wtf was I saying? I need to stop drinking beer during lunch.]

Later that day, on my bike ride:

There's this one female security guard for the hotel where we ride our bikes. I saw she was working today, so I was determined to talk to her before I left.

I pulled up to the guard booth, and she waved. I stopped, took off my sunglasses, and said, "you know, I see you here often, but I've never introduced myself. My name is Squiggy."

She stood up and came closer to shake my hand. "My name is C*****."

"Hi C*****. So how does a girl like you become a security guard?"

"You know, I'm not quite sure myself. I keep trying to tell them to hire more women so I'm not the only one."

"Hmmm. I'm not sure how you'll take this. I was going to say that you were the most attractive security guard around here, but since you're the only female one. . ."

C***** smiles.

"Well, I guess I should let you get back to work. It does look rather boring though sitting here all night. Maybe I should sneak in some beers?"

"I'm allergic to beer."

I look stunned.

"So what do you do when you go out?"

"I hardly go out anymore. I usually stay home. When I did go out drinking, I would drink hards."

"You usually stay home? How old are you?"

"21"

"Twenty one??? And you don't go out drinking?"

"I used to drink a lot in high school," C***** smiles.

"Ah, I got it. It's no fun now that you're legal, huh. Well maybe I can take you out for drinks one night. I'll see you around."

"Yup. You will since you've seen me often before."

She later declined my offer a couple days later to get drunk.

This happened during the work week:

Girl Student: Mr. Squiggy, Miss [cute Science Teacher] told me to ask you something.

Me: Um, kay. . .

Girl: I'll tell you after class. (40 minutes later) Miss Science Teacher told me to tell you to buy a ticket to my hula performance.

Me: Huh? Why?

Girl: She bought one, but she doesn't want to go alone.

Me: So she told you to ask me?

Girl: Yeah.

Me: Um, kay. . . how much is a ticket?

Girl: $20 for the dinner too.

Me: Twenty bucks???

Girl: Yeah. Miss Science Teacher bought the $20 one.

Me: Great. OK. Meet me during lunch. I'll go get my money.

Email to Science Teacher: You're going to drive for this.


After mountain biking:

In the afternoon, while we were loading up our bikes, a rental car pulled up to the lookout. Out popped some old fogie and a tall, attractive blonde. We made some small talk about things to see around there. She, her mom I guess, her grandpa, and a hot sister were out for the day touring. They came on a cruise ship. The tall blonde looked good, and she was doing stretches in front of me, but I couldn't bring myself to flirt with her. I guess I R-tard.

After jogging that afternoon with a girl:

The girl adjusted her sanitary napkin in front of me. I also matter-of-factly pointed out her nipples were showing. To which she replied that it's natural since she was wearing a sports bra and she was active. Then she started to poke at her nipple while I watched.

"Um, let's get going before something else besides your nipples gets hard."

The BT and I went to a bar:

There was another attractive waitress, go figure. However, she was dressed differently from the other waitresses. Of course, me being me, I had to ask. She explain that she worked behind the bar, and was also a food runner. She also explained that her uniform matched the guys, but of course, the one she wore was a more feminine style. I agree.

While the BT was settling the tab, I kept watching that attractive waitress. She was stocking some drinks behind the bar, and whenever she bent over, her top would lift a little and expose her lower back. I thought it looked great. No muffin top, no tramp stamp, no blemishes. Nothing but smooth skin. (The BT later asked how I was able to determine that in the poorly lit conditions. I hate her for ruining my dreams.) I decided I had to say something to the attractive brunette.

I took my chance when she walked past me. "Excuse me." She stopped. I reached out my hand, and she put hers into mine. I got to look at her close up for the first time that night. She was very pretty. However, several hours of mountain biking, including a crash, a 2 mile walk/jog, a couple of hours wrenching on a motorcycle, and alcohol, all conspired to give me the equivalent of a first grade reading level.

"Yes," she asked as I held her hand.

"You remind me of a Gilmore Girl." DOH!

To the old saleslady in a jewelry store:

"Can I get a fiance to go with this wedding band?"

In Macy's when a 5'8" blonde walked past me:

"Careful sir," warned a saleslady.

"Thud," said my foot as a kicked a shoe display really hard.

"Sorry. I was just looking at the pretty tall girl."

In a different store, helping my friend find a gift for his girlfriend:

Friend and I: Hi H****. (She was a friend's wife)

Me: Hey H****. If you were a girl. . .

Friend: What do you mean, "if?"

Me continuing unabated: What would you do if you got a stuffed animal as a gift? You'd probably just put it on a shelf or something, right?

H****: Yeah, probably.

Me: But what if someone special gave you a cute blanket. Or maybe a cute pillow. Wouldn't you love to get that?

H****: Oh yes!

(I threw in that last one more for discussion. Would women prefer something like a blanket or pillow to a stuffed animal?)

Bicycle Built for One

It was Wednesday afternoon. Wednesday was the day of the week Biker Teacher rode his mountain bike with Rat and Big Brother. They rode a seven mile road loop that passed behind a hotel and an airport. This is how they exercised and socialized amongst themselves.

It started off like any other day. Biker Teacher stretched before the ride. Big Brother and Rat chose not to. Biker Teacher suspected that they were too homophobic to bend at the waist to touch their toes. Once properly stretched, the trio geared up for the ride. Rat always wore a full-face motorcross helmet. It made him look like the hooligan he was. Biker Teacher and Big Brother wore their cyclist helmets that made their heads appear like larger versions of their smaller heads. With their melons properly encased in impact absorbing form, they set off on the ride.

Bicycle riding is a very good form of cardiovascular exercise. The constant effort on your large muscle groups is good for fat-burning and a stronger heart. The addition of gossiping, bullshitting, and one-up-manship doubles the effectiveness of the exercise.

"You guys coming out to the drag races this month?" asked Rat.

"Is the blonde going to be there?" asked Biker Teacher.

"Probably not. I'm over her," was the reply.

"Um, you had one date," Big Brother pointed out.

"Yeah. But she had her chance."

And they all laughed.

Most of their conversations went like that. They loved to kid each other about their non-existent love lives. Either that, or they tried to convince each other that perhaps an alternative lifestyle would be more to their liking.

"You're gay."

"No. YOU gay."

"Nah. YOU gay," ad nauseam.

Every now and then they would get lucky and cross paths with a well toned female jogger. Pure serendipity. Which is why whenever they passed one, they would immediately hush and ride while looking straight ahead for fear of getting caught looking.

It just so happened that on this particular Wednesday, they spotted a very firm XX chromosome on the road. As they approached from the rear, they noticed her rear. It was one that you could literally bounce quarters off of. Lycra running shorts, normally unkind, was very flattering on this wonderfully shaped woman. The trio rode past in their normal silent running mode. Big Brother was lucky enough to glance back at just the right moment. He got to watch Jogger Lady tend to her desert-beast-of-burden-foot-appendage. The trio looked at each other. Upraised thumbs were shown with nods of approval. Then the ride continued.

Biker Teacher had been debating on buying a new mountain bike. His current bike, a Haro X6, was a good entry bike, but now that he had more experience, he needed something that matched his riding style. Biker Teacher preferred to ride with the wheels on the ground. The Haro X6 preferred to ride with Biker Teacher on the ground.

"Maybe I could just get a frame and throw all these parts on it," said Biker Teacher.

"Well, you already got a good fork and new Saint cranks," said Big Brother, "in fact, the cranks came in a really nice box too."

"What about Girl-Friend's box?" asked Rat.

They all laughed.

Rat continued, "you know what though? I'm over women."

"Until the next one calls you, right?" asked Biker Teacher.

"Right. Because I'll just keep going back for more," Rat replied. And they rode on.

There is an old, abandoned shopping mall along the bike route. It was originally filled with classy stores with exorbitant prices designed to entice foreigners to open their wallets. That was before an act of God wrecked the place. Now it's a little freeride playground for Rat. Biker Teacher and Big Brother stopped at the mall to take a break while Rat played. Jogger Lady caught up and ran past.

"I remember who she is. She's your classmate's older sister," Big Brother said to Biker Teacher.

"No shit?" Biker Teacher rode off to catch Jogger Lady. Once he caught up to her he called out.

"Hey. You remember me? I'm Chad's classmate."

"Oh hey. Yeah, I do remember you. How you doing?" Jogger Lady asked while still running.

Biker Teacher kept pace. "I'm fine. From the looks of things, you're real fine too."

Jogger Lady smiled. She seemed happy hearing the compliment.

"I haven't seen you before. You jog here regularly?" queried Biker Teacher.

"I used to jog around the stadium, but this route is more interesting."

"Sweet. You know, this is odd. I'm the type of guy who can approach and talk to ugly chicks, but I get tongue tied around beautiful women," he said.

"And?" she asked.

"And? Nothing really. Just stating a simple fact that I seem to be able to approach and talk to you," he replied.

"I see." The happiness had left her.

"I'm glad you're jogging. It's great. I thought I was looking at a 25 year old. It wasn't until I saw your face that I realized you were 39," said Biker Teacher.

"I'm 36, ass," mutter Jogger Lady.

"Yeah, that's right. You were always older than me."

Jogger Lady stopped. "You know what? I'm going to stop talking now and continue running. You don't have to follow me. Have a nice life." And she ran off without delay.

Biker Teacher stood there feeling dejected for a minute. Then he shrugged and rode back to the mall. Big Brother and Rat were waiting for him.

"So, did she touch your penis?" Rat had been quoting Harold and Kumar that week.

"Man, I am so over her," announced Biker Teacher.

"Until she calls," said Big Brother.

"Yeah, because I just keep going back for more," said Biker Teacher.