Bicycle Built for One

It was Wednesday afternoon. Wednesday was the day of the week Biker Teacher rode his mountain bike with Rat and Big Brother. They rode a seven mile road loop that passed behind a hotel and an airport. This is how they exercised and socialized amongst themselves.

It started off like any other day. Biker Teacher stretched before the ride. Big Brother and Rat chose not to. Biker Teacher suspected that they were too homophobic to bend at the waist to touch their toes. Once properly stretched, the trio geared up for the ride. Rat always wore a full-face motorcross helmet. It made him look like the hooligan he was. Biker Teacher and Big Brother wore their cyclist helmets that made their heads appear like larger versions of their smaller heads. With their melons properly encased in impact absorbing form, they set off on the ride.

Bicycle riding is a very good form of cardiovascular exercise. The constant effort on your large muscle groups is good for fat-burning and a stronger heart. The addition of gossiping, bullshitting, and one-up-manship doubles the effectiveness of the exercise.

"You guys coming out to the drag races this month?" asked Rat.

"Is the blonde going to be there?" asked Biker Teacher.

"Probably not. I'm over her," was the reply.

"Um, you had one date," Big Brother pointed out.

"Yeah. But she had her chance."

And they all laughed.

Most of their conversations went like that. They loved to kid each other about their non-existent love lives. Either that, or they tried to convince each other that perhaps an alternative lifestyle would be more to their liking.

"You're gay."

"No. YOU gay."

"Nah. YOU gay," ad nauseam.

Every now and then they would get lucky and cross paths with a well toned female jogger. Pure serendipity. Which is why whenever they passed one, they would immediately hush and ride while looking straight ahead for fear of getting caught looking.

It just so happened that on this particular Wednesday, they spotted a very firm XX chromosome on the road. As they approached from the rear, they noticed her rear. It was one that you could literally bounce quarters off of. Lycra running shorts, normally unkind, was very flattering on this wonderfully shaped woman. The trio rode past in their normal silent running mode. Big Brother was lucky enough to glance back at just the right moment. He got to watch Jogger Lady tend to her desert-beast-of-burden-foot-appendage. The trio looked at each other. Upraised thumbs were shown with nods of approval. Then the ride continued.

Biker Teacher had been debating on buying a new mountain bike. His current bike, a Haro X6, was a good entry bike, but now that he had more experience, he needed something that matched his riding style. Biker Teacher preferred to ride with the wheels on the ground. The Haro X6 preferred to ride with Biker Teacher on the ground.

"Maybe I could just get a frame and throw all these parts on it," said Biker Teacher.

"Well, you already got a good fork and new Saint cranks," said Big Brother, "in fact, the cranks came in a really nice box too."

"What about Girl-Friend's box?" asked Rat.

They all laughed.

Rat continued, "you know what though? I'm over women."

"Until the next one calls you, right?" asked Biker Teacher.

"Right. Because I'll just keep going back for more," Rat replied. And they rode on.

There is an old, abandoned shopping mall along the bike route. It was originally filled with classy stores with exorbitant prices designed to entice foreigners to open their wallets. That was before an act of God wrecked the place. Now it's a little freeride playground for Rat. Biker Teacher and Big Brother stopped at the mall to take a break while Rat played. Jogger Lady caught up and ran past.

"I remember who she is. She's your classmate's older sister," Big Brother said to Biker Teacher.

"No shit?" Biker Teacher rode off to catch Jogger Lady. Once he caught up to her he called out.

"Hey. You remember me? I'm Chad's classmate."

"Oh hey. Yeah, I do remember you. How you doing?" Jogger Lady asked while still running.

Biker Teacher kept pace. "I'm fine. From the looks of things, you're real fine too."

Jogger Lady smiled. She seemed happy hearing the compliment.

"I haven't seen you before. You jog here regularly?" queried Biker Teacher.

"I used to jog around the stadium, but this route is more interesting."

"Sweet. You know, this is odd. I'm the type of guy who can approach and talk to ugly chicks, but I get tongue tied around beautiful women," he said.

"And?" she asked.

"And? Nothing really. Just stating a simple fact that I seem to be able to approach and talk to you," he replied.

"I see." The happiness had left her.

"I'm glad you're jogging. It's great. I thought I was looking at a 25 year old. It wasn't until I saw your face that I realized you were 39," said Biker Teacher.

"I'm 36, ass," mutter Jogger Lady.

"Yeah, that's right. You were always older than me."

Jogger Lady stopped. "You know what? I'm going to stop talking now and continue running. You don't have to follow me. Have a nice life." And she ran off without delay.

Biker Teacher stood there feeling dejected for a minute. Then he shrugged and rode back to the mall. Big Brother and Rat were waiting for him.

"So, did she touch your penis?" Rat had been quoting Harold and Kumar that week.

"Man, I am so over her," announced Biker Teacher.

"Until she calls," said Big Brother.

"Yeah, because I just keep going back for more," said Biker Teacher.