Deep breaths, deep breath. Ah, who am I kidding. Like Sockfoot says: women want a testosterone-filled Adonis to impregnate them, but then they want Milquetoast to raise their kids right. I digress.
My secret identity is that of Milquetoast. I spend my days educating the offspring of some pretty messed up marriages sometimes. You see, Adonis doesn't stick around for long. My kind, caring nature lets me build a rapport with kids and lets me be a significant adult to those in need. It's a heroic, yet unassuming identity.
When I am not at work, I assume the identity of Ears. It is my duty to fight/commit crime of the moving violation sort.
29 Oct 06: I notice many people staring at me. Is there another spider on my helmet? It can't be that they're attracted to me. They can't see my face. Or maybe it's the lack of a visual that makes me appealing. Odd.
Several people parked along the side of the road did double-takes. When I pulled in to the canyon lookout, a group of late-20s tourists stopped chatting and watched me park. A lady came out of the bathroom, looked at me, then stopped in the road and stared until I came to a complete stop.
Weirdos. What the hell are they looking at?
Usually on Sundays I have a lot of time. I'm usually waiting for some other bikers to show up. The only one that does show up regularly is a male. It ties in to a theory that I have about only attracting other males.
Anyway, since I have a few hours to kill, I make several runs up and down the mountain. One time, as I was gearing up, a crowd of tourists, probably an extended family, waited and watched me get ready to go. Their littlest boy, a 3ish year old, seemed enthralled by my ears. He couldn't stop staring. So I waved at him as I left. Kids love that crap. It's like when a bigrig blows that airhorn.
rawr!!!!Ears: Cool. The color of these ears match my bike.
Scott: Yeah. And they're pretty noticable. I could see them when I passed you.
Ears: Hey, they really do their job. And they also do something else. Earlier there was this tall, cute Japanese tourist. See saw the ears and was watching me gear up. I could hear her saying, "kawaii..." (cute)
******Ears' Fantasy Begins******
Asian chick: Sugoi Ears! Marry me and make me an American. I will give you many children and you will die of sexual exhaustion.
Ears: (Elvis voice) Why sure...
Other Asian Chicks: Chottomatte! Atashi mo Ears wa daisuke desu! He's mine, b!tch!
******Ears' Fantasy Ends******
White Male Tourist: Hey, nice tail. Cool.
Ears: Um, thanks.
WMT: Wow, you got ears too. Those are cool.
Scott: Seems cute Japanese girls aren't the only thing they attract.
Ears: . . . (pause) You know, this place is why I don't pee at urinals without dividers. Everyone wants to make conversation with me in there. (points at restroom)
*****Update 7 Nov.*****
Try not to leave comments on this blog. It will get deleted on the next update.
So after the farce that was the Fourth of November, Lornette finally got new shoes on her bike. She mounted the wheels back on her bike all by herself. She got wrenching skillz yo. (pinch bolts cough).
Now for those that don't ride, new tires can be scary. They're very smooth and slippery to the touch. They have low traction until they are "scrubbed," in. That means riding on the tires so that the contact patch area becomes rough to the touch. The trick is to not lean the bike over on completely fresh sections. You need to carefully scrub the tires to the edges cm by cm.
So Lorny got fresh shoes on her bike. We head out to Kokee as usual. I had the camera mounted on the bike again, ala duct tape. After a quick side adventure, the purpose of which I shall not mention for fear of retribution, we were off.
Here's the video. Keep in mind that Lorny has NOT YET SCRUBBED IN HER TIRES. Nutcase. The song choice is another story. When we picked up Lornette's bike, she had the Tokyo Drift soundtrack playing. I thought it sounded like a faux jpop techno thing. I figured it would be fitting to use the real thing.
*****Updated 10 Nov*****
Gees. No one gonna help me out? You guys could have caught the mistake on my dates. Gah. Anyway, Since Mel is being a brutish oaf, I guess you can leave comments. Just keep in mind that I can never get the edit thing to work and I am actually reposting this blog as new.
Lorny called me on my cell today.
It was sunny and she wanted to play.
Up the mountain, on our bikes we shot.
Lorny thought her riding was good, but it really was not.
No matter how hard she tried and tried,
Her chicken strips remained over an inch wide.
Changing the subject to her clothes,
she showed me the special riding jeans she chose.
The label said it was not a low-rise.
It didn't matter as she pushed the waist down to her thighs.
The pants bunched up around her groin,
and I could swear I felt a stir in my loins.
She felt herself up and then she checked
to see if she had a peepee and if it was erect.
I couldn't believe it, I could only watch;
this wonderful exhibition going on at her crotch.
But some tourist came by to ruin the show.
What was even worse, one was a big, fat ho.
She was a large one, all flab and big gut.
She waddled when she walked, and picked at her butt.
At least the others were skinny and nice.
They were friendly and spoke to us twice.
They talked of my ears and said they were cute.
See that Lorn? This shows I'm no fruit.
We decided to get pizza and work on Lorn's bike.
Brick Oven Pizza, yup, that's what we like.
Lorny tried to order the pizza over the phone.
"I like pizza," Ears would crazily drone.
She tried to be serious and kept up her guard,
but Ears wouldn't stop. He was a retard.
Pizza for dinner, no need for a plate.
Who cares about being thinner, it's time to gain weight.
Lorny did Sally's diner orgasm scene.
Her moans were so good, I thought I would cream.
Dinner was over and on to the job.
We got a bit dirty and I looked like a slob.
We loosened some nuts and raised up a fork.
Lorny tightened things up and double checked the torque.
Then I got stupid and offered an idea.
The next time I do that, God, give me diarrhea.
"Since we're here let's do your suspension."
I did my best to bring it to her attention.
So once again with wrench in hand;
we tackled the bike like we had just planned.
Then it happened. Something went wrong.
A simple procedure started to take all night long.
Lorny got angry with fire in her eyes.
"I'll kill you, Ears, and no one will hear the cries."
I stepped back and trembled in fear.
All I could manage was, "yes dear, yes dear."
I kept working and would not stop.
I was afraid that Lorny would pop.
And eventually the work was finally done.
"Just in time," as she put down the gun.
Lorn was gleeful and she pulled on her boots.
Lucky for me, she forgot our disputes.
She hopped on her bike for pleasure and fun.
I didn't even notice, I was watching a bum.
The question remains if after all this clatter:
Will the changes we made really even matter?
Given my reputation and the Nonwheezer curse,
I probably didn't help, I just made things a lot worse.
But she's happy, as happy as a toy dog.
"Now go home Ears, and write me another blog."
Added:
It's a fact that pizza and I don't mix.
Eating too much of it give me my kicks.
As the dawn's early morning light had shone,
I found myself stuck on the throne.
*****Updated 18 Nov.*****
Version 2 of the 17 Nov. video. I didn't like the footage from the old video. I played with the zoom to crop out some things, and it made the footage look slow. For the new video, I readjusted the camera mount and set the zoom back to normal.
And about 20 German tourists nearly mobbed me to check out my ears. Blitzkreig aiyeee!!!
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