Dendrophilia

This morning I woke up a bit earlier than I planned.



Since I was up, I figured I would turn on the computer and convert some J-drama files from softsub to hardsub. If I didn't mention it earlier, I love watching TV shows from Japan.

Once my computer booted up, my Windows Messenger activated. I didn't even realize it was set on automatic. I was immediately nailed by an IM from a XX friend.

XX: Hi!

Me: Hi. Sorry. Just woke up.

XX: Morning wood?



Funny she should ask. She hit the nail on the head. I explained the whole story.

I was planning on sleeping in late since it's Sunday, and my noisy neighbors haven't been running the welders in the mornings lately. However, I had to wake up at 7 AM to pee. Since it was still early, I crawled back into bed to go back to sleep.

Then it happened.



Morning wood.

I figured I would just fall asleep and everything would be normal. I was wrong. I must have been thinking of something good because this sucker would just not go away. Now any post-puberty male can tell you that a boner, if left untreated, will cause aches and pains. So after 90 minutes, I gave up trying to sleep and got out of bed. I figured doing the file conversions would be non-sexual enough to ease the swelling.



No, it wasn't blueballs.



XX: Ninety minutes?!?

Me: Yeah. But I had worse.

Remember Virginia? The Eastern Unintelligentsia?



Well, there was an incident where she came into my room and woke me up at the crack of noon. Luckily Hilo can be a chilly place, and I was snug under the blankets.



She couldn't see that I was hiding yet another incident of MWS, Morning Wood Syndrome.



It wasn't the typical case of MWS. This one was bad. It was like someone took off the pressure regulator. Mini-me felt like it was going to explode. To top it off, I had to pee. Bad.



So there I was, wearing only boxers, hiding my manhood under a blanket, holding in my pee, with a cute girl sitting on my bed next to me. Sometimes I wish I was an extrovert.

A Different XX Friend Sometime Later: You should have just whipped it out and taken care of it. Tell her if she didn't like it, she could leave.



Like I said, "sometimes I wish I was an extrovert."

I couldn't do it. All I could do was chat and hide for what felt like an eternity. Virginia eventually left, but the wood remained.



I had to bend and contort into several different angles to get a flow going. It was the hardest time I had peeing. Pardon the pun.

Phone Sex

"Good evening. This is Jasmine with the Department of Health. May I speak with the second oldest male in the house?"

That's ME!!!!!!! (feigned excitement. feigned age.)

...

"Uh, yes, the reason I am calling is because your number has been randomly selected..."

Randomly? How can it be random if this is the fourth time you called us? I mean, you guys already called us three times before this. How can it be random?

"Um... That's because we're doing a survey and it's really important..."

Hey Jasmine, you're with the Department of Health. Is high blood pressure unhealthy?



"Um, I'm not sure."

You know, it must be. High blood pressure damages the capillaries; wears out the organs. Yeah. It must be bad for your health.

"I guess so."

So why are you trying to give me high blood pressure, Jasmine?

"I'm not trying to."

But you are, Jasmine. You guys called before, and each time we said we didn't want to participate. Yet you guys insist we must. You guys try to coerce us.

"We're not trying to coerce anyone. It's just important that we do this survey..."

Do you get a commission on each completed survey?



"Uh, no I don't."

I was just wondering since you seem so adamant about me taking this survey. I mean, telemarketers aren't this pushy.

"I'm not trying to be pushy. This is a very important survey..."

That important huh? You would think that on a survey that important, you wouldn't want uncooperative people participating. I mean, if the survey is that important, you wouldn't want to compromise your data with some false information. Hey Jasmine, how about I agree to take your survey then lie on all my answers. Would that be ok?



"Why would you do that?"

Because, Jasmine, as I was saying, I... don't... want... to... participate... in... this... survey.

...

"Have a good evening, sir."

You too Jasmine. You have an excellent evening yourself. Goodbye.