The Excitement is Coming!

Wow, over five days of not writing. I'm actually surprised I couldn't think of a suitable topic in a whole week. However, since I owe it to my devoted fan (singular), I better write something.

I couldn't be creative this week since I changed my exercise routine to get rid of this spare tire of mine.



But then I remembered how my last car had four flats, so I decided to keep the spare tire. Instead, I will work on my love handles. I feel odd calling them love handles since I don't have a significant other. Hint hint. If anyone is willing to take the job, I'm offering minimum wage plus tips and a 401K. The only prerequisite is you have to own a live hole.



Anyway...

Since I can't think of a good topic, I will fall back on a sure-fire subject that everyone of all ages can enjoy. Penises!

Yeah, being a tiny wanker does effect the psyche. It lowers your self esteem.



It gets even worse when you hear girls giggle about the size of a normal man's peepee. Then you start to compare yourself with other men. Unfortunately, the only other men you can find to compare yourself to are buff, Hollywood types. I'm like sooo sure I'm way more hunky than Vin Diesel.

The problem with lying to yourself is that it doesn't take long to figure out it's a lie.



OK, time to be jerked back to reality. I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, so I'll just stop beating around the bush. This story has a happy ending.



It's a short story, so bare with me.

The other day I was hanging around, just playing with my balls when I saw a commercial for a male enhancement drug.



I sprung up to attention like a dog in heat. I was so excited by the news I was bursting at the seams. I could barely contain myself. I grabbed a knob and exited my room. I needed to take stock of the situation and size things up.

Here's where I stood. Disappointing start, but things could only go up up up.



Now I knew where I measured up, and I stroked my hands with glee. Soon I would be as happy and glowing as the Enzyte man. Once I finished the treatment, I would be so confident that I would be able to sow the seeds of joy a long way across the land. Women would love me and erect a statue in my honor.



I started the treatment. It involved swallowing a lot of sticky fluids, but I had the fortitude to handle any testes thrown my way.

The treatment included not only drugs, but exercise as well. There was a lot of pumping up and down, and some Greek based calisthenics. Butt I could take it all in. I'm sure it wouldn't be too long. Knock on wood.



Then the day finally came. The moment of climax. I looked in the mirror to check the length and breadth of the event. I almost prematurely declared victory, but then I got my head back straight. Taking matters in my own hands, I engorged myself in the moment.



YES! Victory! The added bulk and girth to my anatomy really allowed me to stroke my own ego. I was brimming with self confidence.



No longer would I be considered small and insignificant. I was a giant! I was a man of great talent. Head above the rest. Tears of joy squirted from my orifices. I was a winner! Cocksure and headstrong.



Unfortunately, no one would get to see how well endowed I was. I guess sometimes you win some and sometimes you lose some. I have a big, fat cock, so I don't care. nanny nanny boo boo.

And that's the long and short of it.


***No one-eyed monsters were hurt or beaten during the making of this blog

****hehe just yanking ya. Turns out a few sheep were hit in their brown eyes.


Oh,




and



by the way






This blog is not work safe. Haha caught you, sucker. Don't be hard on yourself. You couldn't see it coming.

He's Making a List; Checking it Twice

I've been had. Yup. I've been hornswaggled. I can't believe it took me this long to figure out the conspiracy.

For a long time now I've been getting down on myself. This usually happens when I'm lonely. I try to figure out a reason why my luck with the fairer (though more devious) sex really sucks and I start to nitpick on all my shortcomings. Then usually someone comes over and blows air up my ass. They give me a bunch of false compliments to boost my morale. Of course, I'm so starved for attention, I buy everything hook, line, and sinker.

How bad can my love life be? I asked a girl out once and she turned into a lesbian.

Now someone of my superior intellect can only be duped for so long. (15 years) I was bound to figure it all out. I happened upon an article on building self esteem on athealth.com. There was a suggestion in the article to make a list of your positive attributes and stuff. So I spent a few hours going over the things I possess that could be a positive with the vaginal sex. It wasn't a long list.

OK, here is the list. I removed anything not uncommon. The list should consist of things almost-sort-of-kinda unique to me. Therefore, ten fingers, ten toes was removed.

1: I have broadband. YouTube and porn at light speeds.



2: I own a sports camcorder. It's a nifty video camera that fits in your pocket.



C: I own an economy sportbike. Yeah, it's not the top model, but most girls are too stupid to know that.



D: I have an external DVD burner that lets me transfer a bunch of computer videos onto disk. It comes in handy for watching Jdramas.



V: I have a job. A real job that requires college degrees and special licenses. I don't make much money though, so any future brides cannot be whores.



VV: I own a Yaris. Hopefully the same dumb chicks that think SVs are cool will not notice how cheap I am.



X: I own a pair of black leather jeans. They're a motorcycle type of jeans, but they almost got me a callback for the part of the biker guy in a 70's boy band.



Twelvely: I have a ton of DVDs. I have US, Japan, Hong Kong, and Korean releases. I also have the player to play them.



Thirteenish: I have Love Actually and Flash Gordon on VHS.



One Million Dollars: I own a dress. It was for Halloween, I swear. I've never used it to go to the nightclub on a Friday night in order to try and pick up guys so drunk they would have sex with anything. Promise.



12345: I also have a kung fu outfit. My secret kung fu identity is Sum Dum Gai.



3.14159: I have a trumpet. I don't mean to blow my own horn, but I used to be pretty not bad with it in high school. But back then, I was still cute enough to get girlfriends, and I didn't need a trumpet. Or a list. Stupid list.



24/7: I have scars. Not just the wonderful acne scars to remind me of my bad skin, but also battle scars. I have a scar from a gash I received while playing sword fighting when I was a kid. I also have scars on my elbows because I suck at riding bikes. There's also a big one on my knee from a tumor I once had. Even the tumor couldn't stand to be with me and left.



525,600: Helmet ears. Um. Yeah. Ears.



And that's my list. Impressive, eh?

Now looking over this list, I can see for a fact that those compliments people gave me were nothing but lies. Nothing on this list will get me some play except for the broadband. Chicks dig high download speeds. I think I will sue my so-called "friends," for infamation of character. Like that? I made that up. Instead of maliciously destroying my reputation, they've been maliciously trying to bolster it. Those jerks.

Sigh. I hate athealth.com. The list thing really backfired. I'm not feeling much self esteemed at the moment.

You know what? Screw the list. Screw possessions. I will win the heart of a lady with my charm and good looks. Any women interested? Here's my pic:

Extracurricular Women

I have this pretty friend. She's pretty in several ways. She looks pretty. She's pretty handy with a wrench, and she pretty much has some self-esteem issues. One day she asked, "why do guys think that girls who wrench are weird?"

OK, granted there are a bunch of guys out there whose idea of the perfect girl is the subservient, obedient little girly girl. They're weird. If you want a girl like that, why not just adopt a 17 year old Asian chick?

On the contrary, there are many, many men who are attracted to capable women. Women who not only look good, but possess other talents can win the hearts of a broader segment of the male audience. You see, slavery out, women's lib in. Or something to that effect.

So while in my meditation chamber (shower), I came up with the idea for this article. I would create a list of women who are not only easy on the eyes, but also possess some less-than-girly-girl talents.

***I tend to get my best ideas in the shower, driving, or riding my motorcycle. I know some people do their best thinking on the crapper, but that is my study time.

Melanie never even got close to making this list.

We start with Zhao Wei. This cute, Chinese actress has appeared as a princess in many movies. She also acts in action movies with lots of kung fu. If you get to see So Close, pay attention to the bathroom fight scenes. Oh man, she's hot.


Zhang Ziyi: Made a big name for herself in Crouching Tiger as the impetuous kung fu girl. She also played a merciless gangster in Rush Hour 2, and a headstrong princess in Musa. She learned to speak English shortly after Tiger. Kung fu, nobility, pretty, and smart. HOT!


The X-Women: Jean Grey, Storm, and Mystique. They possess incredible power. Jean has telekinetic power greater than Professor X and Magneto. Storm can control the weather at will. Mystique can shape shift to look like anyone she wants. Plus, she can walk around naked BOING! The other two that wear clothes like to wear tight leathers.

Michelle Wie: Pro golfer. One of the most talented young golfers since Tiger Woods. She's so good, she can hold her own against the men. I included her on this hottie list because there is a lot of internet buzz about her. Apparently there are like a million men who can't wait until she turns 18 so they can legally jerk off to her pictures.

Selene: Vampire and kick ass girl. Beats the crap out of werewolves and other vampires who gets in her way. Handy with a gun, and looks great in black latex.


Rachel Weisz: I like the characters she played in the movies. She once acted as a young Russian girl who uses her education, and later a sniper rifle, to help defeat the Nazis. She also acted as a librarian who discovers the ancients secrets of a mummy. That was the movie where she fought another scantily clad woman. In Runaway Jury, she out conned Gene Hackman and beat his plans at jury tampering.


Beatrice, the Bride: Heroine of the Kill Bill series. She was nearly murdered by her former colleagues, but came back from the grave and wiped them out. She killed the Crazy 88s chambarra style. Yeah! Watch out though. She's a spitter.


Oren Ishii: Though she gets killed by Beatrice, this lady became the world's top assassin and leader of the yakuza. She has the manners and class of a well-to-do Japanese woman. Don't mess with her though. She'll cut off your head. Oh, and it's pronounced ee-sheeee, not ee-she-ee.


River: Teen aged fugitive from an oppressive future government. Don't let her cherubic good looks fool you. With a secret codeword, she can beat the crap out of any scumbag smuggler.


Park Hyojin: North Korean spy girl sent to the South to find a runaway spy. She gets a job at Burger King as a cover and quickly becomes the main attraction for all the college boys in the area. She also beats up mobsters who get in her way.


Paris Hilton: WTF?!?


Sandra Bullock: Never saw her play the prissy girly girl. She's been the unwilling heroine in Speed. She was the go-gettem cop in sexy tights in Demolition Man. Her characters have a down to earth beauty, and they're often intelligent and capable. I'm willing to bet I wasn't the only guy who went frame-by-frame in Demo to see if she was naked in the sex scene. (she later had real nude scenes ga-BOING!)


Michelle Rodriguez: Her first role was that of a female boxer. She was great at that. Then she got the part of being the sexy chick with a wrench in Fast and the Furious. She is the tough tomboy that men fantasize about. Then she got drunk.


Oboro: Leader of the Iga Ninja clan. She secretly marries the leader of a rival clan. While she acts ultra-feminine, she's a courageous leader and can kill instantly with her gaze of death.


Meg Ryan: To paraphrase something I heard before, if you need a sexy, intelligent actress, get Meg. In IQ, she played a woman who was not only one of the smartest people in the world, but also she had a great sense of self. She wasn't one to be intimidated by her uncle, Albert Einstein.


Michelle Yeoh: Former Miss Malaysia. She's not only sexy, but she's a kung fu chick. She also does her own stunts, and not just some easy ones. She jumped a dirt bike and landed on a moving train. I believe she also holds the title for being the only Bond girl who wasn't just a sperm receptacle.


Milla Jovovich: Started as a scrawny model. She would have been classified as one of those girly girls, but now she's a bit more buff. The former model is now an action star. Too bad Ultraviolet sucked. She looked pretty damn fine in that movie.


Yeon Soha: The top fighter of an ancient Korean kingdom. She was sent to protect a prince from a band of assassins. She beat the crap out of a street gang without breaking a sweat. She would have been able to wipe out the entire bad-guy army if she didn't have to fight poisoned. She's also a hot Asian chick.


Mae: Second in command of the Killer Blade Army, the group of assassins that fight Yeon Soha. She is also an impressive fighter, and she got a killer bod too. That tattoo at the top of her butt crack oooooooo!


Shibasaki Kou: She played the vicious killer girl in Battle Royale. She was also the gruff airplane mechanic, and the headstrong, deaf musician. She has awesome exotic looks. Rumor has it that she was the first choice for Go Go Yubari. She also sings really well and has several hit songs in Japan.


Kim Cattrall: Before she got old and sexy, she was young and sexy. In Mannequin, Kim played a cursed Egyptian princess who turned into a statue to everyone but her true love. She was the muse to all who knew her. It was her that led to some of the greatest events in history, like Columbus and America and stuff.


Elasti-Girl: Yeah, she's animated, but who cares? She has the power to stretch and reshape her body at will. She's also super nimble, and is married to Mr. Incredible. Although Mr. Incredible might be the most powerful man in the world, Elasti-Girl more than holds her own against him.


Kyung-jin Yeo: In Windstruck, she played a no nonsense cop who drags a meek high school teacher into danger. She later "claims" him as her boyfriend. When he dies, she goes on a rampage on crime. In My Sassy Girl, she plays a crazy girl who makes her boyfriend do whatever she wants. She may look cute, but she got a gunpowder filled personality.


Lara Croft: Treasure hunter. Adventurer. Archaeologist. Sexy. This is the live action version of the doll that Allen Covert jerked off to. The games were a hit too. Think Indiana Jones without the penis but all of the balls.


Elena: Married to Zorro. Not only is she sexy, but she has the sword skills to contest Zorro himself. If only that corset would pop open. Please God, please?


Gogo Yubari: Cute Japanese girl in a school uniform. Don't get too attracted though. She's a killer. Literally. She's the bodyguard of the top assassin in the world. What does that say about her skill and ruthlessness?


Danica Patrick: Oh Fuck Yeah! This gorgeous woman is a real deal professional race car driver. If you don't think that's hot, you need to go listen to your Village People albums.


Dana Scully: This pretty lady is a federal agent. She investigates the X-Files. Basically, she's lived and experienced things so out of this world it would reduce the toughest professional wrestlers into mush. Yet she still finds the time to make sure she looks like a million dollars.


Jodie Foster: Beautiful, intelligent, and a powerful personality. You know she's tough. After taking a cumshot to the face, she went out and got this gnarly bad guy who was skinning women and making a suit out of them. She's also one of the biggest hitters in Hollywood. She got major clout.


Trinity: Kick ass girl from the Matrix. She got the guns, the brains, and the kung fu grip. Walks into a room full of cops and beats them all senseless. You should see her in that Mars movie. She has a body that can even make the dead rise.


Azumi: Don't let this cute little girl fool you. She was raised as an assassin. Her first job was to kill her best friend and possible love interest. She then went on to kill a whole bunch of ninjas, a couple hundred soldiers and thieves, a psycho murderer, a powerful samurai, and three lords.


The Wilson Sisters: Ever heard of the group Heart? If not, you need to go out and get the CD. These sisters have incredible voices and singing talent. Their voices are very powerful and create a very high standard for rock ballads.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Take one hot girl. Teach her how to kill vampires. Set her loose. Gotta love the combination of sexy and kick ass. I know many guys would love to give her a woody stake.


So you see, there are tons of attractive women who can do non-feminine things. Sure there will be guys who want the unltra-feminine, but there are tons and tons more who would want a more complete package. If you're the tomboy type, embrace it. It's not weird at all. It's the coolest thing ever. Hell, I'm reminded of this beer commercial where this guy's girlfriend sits down, drinks a beer, loosens her belt, scratches herself, and then turns on the tv to watch sports. A million men fell in love at the exact same moment.

Just don't fart until you're in a secure relationship.