Eargasm

I have this friend who constantly rags me about the music I listen to. He thinks my taste in music is weird. Heck, most people on my island would think my taste is weird. On my island, 99 and 94/100 of the population listen to hip hop. Doesn't even matter if the song is any good or if the performer has any talent. As long as the music has a redundant, loud beat, or if it has profanity, it's an instant success here.

My friend is one of these lemmings. He sings the same hip hop song over and over. I think he wants us to think he's extreme. It almost worked too since he rides a dirtbike, hucks huge on a mountain bike, drives a 200+mph dragster, and owns a supercharged pickup truck. However, it turns out he's a bit gay when it comes to music.

His current favorite songs come from the Legally Blonde soundtrack hehe.




It's like that Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle movie.



In the movie there's a bunch of extreme sports punks who grief Harold and Kumar and everyone else they run into. But then when H and K steal the extreme punks' bronco and turn on the stereo, they find Wilson Phillips.



So what was the song that drew my friend's harassment? Modest Mouse's Float On.



Hey, I like the twangy sound and the interesting beat. I also like the message in the lyrics. At least it's not as gay as some of my other favorite songs.



Of course, all that music can cause waxy build up in the ears. And if there is one thing I love, it's cleaning my ears. It ranks way higher than picking my nose.

Amateur ear cleaners would most likely go for the Q-tip as their weapon of choice. Lame.



The true connoisseur would use the mimikure. Oddly enough, when I tried to find a picture of a mimikure on the internet, I couldn't find one. I found them under the name "mimikaki." I'm guessing that the word "mimikure," is a different dialect than the standard Japanese. It could be a word from southern Japan since my family came from there. I'm absolutely sure it's the right word too because when I was in Kyoto, I asked a shop keeper, "mimikure desuka," while pointing at the ear cleaners and she responded in the affirmative.



But who cares what the name is. This sucker is pure bliss.

He's Making a List; Checking it Twice

I've been had. Yup. I've been hornswaggled. I can't believe it took me this long to figure out the conspiracy.

For a long time now I've been getting down on myself. This usually happens when I'm lonely. I try to figure out a reason why my luck with the fairer (though more devious) sex really sucks and I start to nitpick on all my shortcomings. Then usually someone comes over and blows air up my ass. They give me a bunch of false compliments to boost my morale. Of course, I'm so starved for attention, I buy everything hook, line, and sinker.

How bad can my love life be? I asked a girl out once and she turned into a lesbian.

Now someone of my superior intellect can only be duped for so long. (15 years) I was bound to figure it all out. I happened upon an article on building self esteem on athealth.com. There was a suggestion in the article to make a list of your positive attributes and stuff. So I spent a few hours going over the things I possess that could be a positive with the vaginal sex. It wasn't a long list.

OK, here is the list. I removed anything not uncommon. The list should consist of things almost-sort-of-kinda unique to me. Therefore, ten fingers, ten toes was removed.

1: I have broadband. YouTube and porn at light speeds.



2: I own a sports camcorder. It's a nifty video camera that fits in your pocket.



C: I own an economy sportbike. Yeah, it's not the top model, but most girls are too stupid to know that.



D: I have an external DVD burner that lets me transfer a bunch of computer videos onto disk. It comes in handy for watching Jdramas.



V: I have a job. A real job that requires college degrees and special licenses. I don't make much money though, so any future brides cannot be whores.



VV: I own a Yaris. Hopefully the same dumb chicks that think SVs are cool will not notice how cheap I am.



X: I own a pair of black leather jeans. They're a motorcycle type of jeans, but they almost got me a callback for the part of the biker guy in a 70's boy band.



Twelvely: I have a ton of DVDs. I have US, Japan, Hong Kong, and Korean releases. I also have the player to play them.



Thirteenish: I have Love Actually and Flash Gordon on VHS.



One Million Dollars: I own a dress. It was for Halloween, I swear. I've never used it to go to the nightclub on a Friday night in order to try and pick up guys so drunk they would have sex with anything. Promise.



12345: I also have a kung fu outfit. My secret kung fu identity is Sum Dum Gai.



3.14159: I have a trumpet. I don't mean to blow my own horn, but I used to be pretty not bad with it in high school. But back then, I was still cute enough to get girlfriends, and I didn't need a trumpet. Or a list. Stupid list.



24/7: I have scars. Not just the wonderful acne scars to remind me of my bad skin, but also battle scars. I have a scar from a gash I received while playing sword fighting when I was a kid. I also have scars on my elbows because I suck at riding bikes. There's also a big one on my knee from a tumor I once had. Even the tumor couldn't stand to be with me and left.



525,600: Helmet ears. Um. Yeah. Ears.



And that's my list. Impressive, eh?

Now looking over this list, I can see for a fact that those compliments people gave me were nothing but lies. Nothing on this list will get me some play except for the broadband. Chicks dig high download speeds. I think I will sue my so-called "friends," for infamation of character. Like that? I made that up. Instead of maliciously destroying my reputation, they've been maliciously trying to bolster it. Those jerks.

Sigh. I hate athealth.com. The list thing really backfired. I'm not feeling much self esteemed at the moment.

You know what? Screw the list. Screw possessions. I will win the heart of a lady with my charm and good looks. Any women interested? Here's my pic:

Chicks Dig Scars... and Ball Huggers

Check out this fool.



He's got a Snell approved helmet with attention-getting ears. A leather jacket with CE approved armor in the shoulders, elbows, and back. Full leather gloves with knuckle protection. Leather sport pants with hip padding and knee armor. He even has racing style boots that has ankle support and toe, heel, and shin armor. It's like he's afraid he's going to fall off his motorcycle.

Don't he know that chicks dig scars?

Even the doofuses in professional racing don't know that. Idiots.



The easiest and quickest way to get those honey-attracting scars is to get rid of all that stupid protection. Why spend hundreds or thousands of dollars when you can get band aids and neosporin for under $10?

Take a look at this smart and attractive couple. They're famous in the sportbike world. Their pictures made the rounds of all the major bike message boards and also made it into a major monthly publication that's not porn!



Learn from them. The best way to ride is with your eye protection off. Never cover your arms. They're the first place you need to scar. The girl is obviously cooler than the guy since she forgoes the tee for a tank. They lose points for the gloves though. The guy earns sissy points for wearing jeans even though jeans shred on asphalt after about three feet of sliding. He should be a man like the girl and wear shorts. The running shoes are ok since they neither protect your feet nor do they stay on in major accidents. The girl went for the ever popular slippers/thongs/flipflops.

They're prepped and ready to go for the beauty enhancing scar tissue. And there they go.



Man, her once beautiful, smooth, nicely tanned legs are gonna look awesome with scars all over. oooooooohhhh. I'm shivering.

Check out this hottie. A wet dream come true. She took a fall at triple digit speeds wearing a sweatshirt. Boing!



**********************************

On a different note, here's a real life tip for those of you who ride.

Try compression shorts. They actually work. They provide support for your hams and glutes, helping prevent the dreaded "burning butt." You'll be able to ride longer and more comfortably wearing those compression shorts. The added bonuses are that they don't ride up and give you accidental thongs, and they keep your leathers from sticking to your sweaty body.

This applies to women too. The shorts aren't there to support a guy's nuts. Women have hams and glutes too, so they can also benefit from the shorts.

Or you could try those padded bike shorts. They do the same job.

Here's a pic of me in my compression shorts.



Just kidding. The guy is a model. I had to fire him though as his package does not do me any justice.


*The couple on the bike survived with minor injuries. The girl was going into shock when help arrived though. The road rashed girl is real. No photoshop.*

**Wear your gear**

Twilight

Created a new sportbike video with Lorn, Lauren, and Fonto. I had originally planned to use Brimful of Asha for the soundtrack, but when I viewed the clips I had, I thought it went better to ELO's Twilight.

Black Leather Fetish

The other day I stuck my camera on my bike's fender. I figured I would look at my lower body as I ride and see if I'm making any major mistakes. I did learn that with my current riding style, I will never safely drag knee on the streets. However, It feels and looks natural, so I'm going to stick with it.

Since I had some video footage, and I was bored, I slapped them together and added music. I uploaded the video to YouTube, but I really wasn't planning on sharing. You only really see from my left butt cheek to my ankle. However, it seems that someone has been looking at the video anyway. I guess I should just post it.

The Magic of Ears

This is for my detractors. And this is me now laughing.


The ears, folks, they work! The ears have the magical ability to make me less of a stuck up b!tch, and much more approachable. They also increase my visibility on the road tremendously. I can't really prove that last statement, but because I said it, it's now a scientific fact.



You see, one of the greatest dangers to a motorcyclist is the inattentive driver. I read somewhere that about 75% of motorcycle accidents are caused by cagers, or car drivers. If you follow any motorcycle online message boards, you always read about some accident or another each week. The consensus is anything that makes us more visible on the road is good. Ears are good.

For some reason the ears are a hit with kids. No matter where they are, in a car, on the street, in a field, they will stop and look at me. They get a huge kick out of seeing the tiger eared biker.



Prior to the ears, it was rare that anyone would approach me at the lookout. Many people would pass the bike and nod or say, "nice bike." That was about it. Now that I have the ears, people aren't so afraid to approach and start a conversation, or at least try to get a better look.

The first week I had the ears, a tour guide got a look at them and yelled across the parking lot that the ears were cute. A cute, and really tall, Japanese girl stopped to watch me put on my gear. She kept saying, "kawaii." That means "cute." (I mentioned this before.) Now all I need is another bus load of Okinawan college girls. Lornette likes to tease me about it, but she just doesn't understand. A bus load of Japanese college girls. Right Guys? (Girls, think of a bus load of Ross's.)


(The second girl is Thai, but I wanted to show the impact of seeing more than one beautiful girl at a time.)

The other day I hinted in another blog that some tourist came and spoke with us. One of them said the ears were cute and that she recognized me from the town. They were at a shop on the side of the street eating shaved ice (snow cones). See how visible I am?

Today I got up to the lookout and just as I started to take off my helmet, a lady ran up to me.

"Those ears are great! I just have to take a picture of them. Can you put your helmet back on?"



And as I was leaving, another tourist started calling out to me. I had a hard time hearing him since I had my helmet on and was facing away, but he persisted.

"Sir, I just gotta tell you. The bike itself is awesome. But the helmet, the helmet makes it fukking phenomenal! My wife saw them and said, 'what the hell?' She thinks they're the coolest."



So there you have it. Irrefutable anecdotal evidence that my ears have been increasing my visibility and have been attracting people to me. Mission accomplished. Even the Fonz likes them. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

What Makes Weird?

After hearing for the gajillionth time that I am weird, I decided it was time to address it. Am I weird? Let's do a self-study of Nonwheezer.

My name, Nonwheezer, has nothing to do with any bands. I used to smoke. I used to have asthma attacks. I've quit both after I started huffing and puffing after a rough bout of typing. Was it weird to make up a name like that? Weird score: 5


I grew up on a little Hawaiian island. I went through all grade schools here. I even attended UH. I did live on Oahu for a bit, and also the Big Island. I did manage to get kicked out of college by playing pool and video games all night long. Weirdness factor: 3


I'm currently a teacher for the Department of Education. I get paid barely above the national poverty line. I take sh!t from kids. I take sh!t from parents. I take sh!t from every Tom, Dick, and Harry who thinks they know anything about education. Doesn't bother me too much. I'm smarter than the kids and most of the parents, and TDH knows Jack and Sh!t. Yet I continue working because I believe that maybe I can actually help someone someday. Weirdo rating: 7


My personality? I hate using profanity around kids. Yes, they do imitate. If not, then they do realize that many adults actually do condone the use of profanity. Then, of course, the adults blame the schools.

I also try to expand my vocabulary each week. I don't go out memorizing the dictionary or anything. I just try to use different words that a lot of people wouldn't use in casual conversation. (indefatigable)

I believe in speaking politely to others. There was a nice movie quote that goes something like this: Manners are a way we show other people we care about them.

Weirdness: 9


My interests vary. I'm kind of eclectic. I used to rollerblade, speardive, fish, bowl, play in a bar dart league, drag race, play video games, play D&D, play in a band, get drunk, get stoned, and drive really fast. Weird rating: 8


Now I have two things I really enjoy. Riding my motorcycle, as you see from the profile, and mountain biking. Normally those would be considered k3wl, but I just ordered these:

so now the Weirdness rating is a 7.

What kind of music do I listen to? Major mixed up genres here. I just listen to what I enjoy. I have favorite songs by Beethoven, System of a Down, Offspring, Ayumi Hamasaki, Masaharu Fukuyama, Seal, LEN, Will Smith, whatever. Notice the hard rock, soft rock, alternative, rap? Those would be considered ok. The jpop, and classical gives me a major hit in the Weirdgnads. 8.


I love movies. All kinds of movies. Well, most kinds. Want to see a list of what's on my shelf?
The Court Jester (Danny Kaye musical)
On Guard (French swashbuckling)
Grandma's Boy (Happy Madison comedy)
X-Men
Guns and Talks (Korean adventure)
Densha Otoko (Japanese romance)
Yellowbeard (cult comedy classic)
12 Angry Men (Henry Fonda version)
Pretty mixed eh? Weirdo 6


Currently I watch Mythbusters. It's a show where nerds are cool. If you don't get the show, you're probably not nerdy enough to understand the science behind the fun and jokes. Kari Byron is hot too. And smart!

I also watch Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. The Venture Brothers is a great show. Well thought out, clever, yet also action packed and raunchy.

Besides Heroes, I don't watch much regular tv. I watch Japanese tv shows. I just finished the Bayside Shakedown series and now I'm on Garo.

Weirdy 6


Growing up my heroes were Kamen Rider V3 and Spiderman. V3 was a motorcycle rider who witnessed a murder by a terrorist organization. In retaliation, the terrorists kill his family. V3 under goes cybernetic surgery to make him into a grasshopper-like fighting machine. Henshin V3! kick ass.

I liked Spiderman because he didn't have much luck. He had power, but because he did think about it, his uncle got killed. He didn't have a cushy job or a billion dollars to support him. He struggled to make ends meet while balancing school and crime fighting. With the exception of having superpowers, he was real. But these henshin heroes and comic books champions make us nerdy. Weirdo factor 9.


Let's tally up the score. Add one, carry the two..

Ah, who gives a sh!t. You know, there are days when people will tease you. There are days when people try to get you down. Sure it can make you feel bad. Make you feel stupid. Make you feel angry. But what really matters is how you feel inside.

I get days when I get frustrated. I get days when I wish I was someone else. Who doesn't?

But then again, I get these wonderful little incidents. Like the time I was walking through an airport lobby. Several former students saw me and immediately yelled out my name. They crowded around me, happy to see me. Apparently they liked me. One of them even hugged me. In those little moments, I'm happy that I am who I am. Of those people who teased me or tried to put me down, how many of them can say that they made a difference in someone's life? How many can say they opened up the future of opportunities for a child?

So what is my Weirdness Rating? A big fat 1. And let me show it to you.


Hehe. I crack myself up.