Use a Condom, or Protection

Take it from Mozilla. Always use a condom. No wait. Make that, "always use protection." That should be less ambiguous for my two readers.

Today's secret word is: Protection.

As usual, I went mountain biking yesterday on the mountain. It's a great activity to help you keep fit and active, and to experience the great outdoors.



I pee on the trail too.

But mountain biking can be dangerous. You can wipe out on steep downhills. I've done it several times.



Or you could get your wheels stuck on some gnarly terrain. You can get up close and personal with the terrain you're riding on. I've done it before.



I took a really bad spill yesterday. I was going faster than I should have, on a section of trail I've never been on. Big mistake. The last thing I remember was my front wheel falling into a rut and me flying head-first toward the ground.



I think I actually went unconscious for a while. Notice that my being unconscious, and later being unable to get up, did not stop my so-called friend from taking time out to photograph the scene.

I woke up totally dazed with some memory loss and a jacked up shoulder.

The fun thing about suffering a memory-loss inducing head trauma is that the rest of the day feels brand new. Or better yet, the rest of my day felt like an old computer rpg. I was on a quest to figure out the events of the day. And just like those old rpgs, the npcs I talked to weren't very helpful and my chat interface sucked. I think I was babbling.

Nonwheezer: How did I fall?

Riley NPC: The Riley has nothing more to say.

Nonwheezer: How did I get down here?

Riley NPC: The Riley has nothing more to say.

Nonwheezer: Wow, you kind of suck.

Riley NPC: The Riley has nothing more to say.



Once I figured out that I indeed could not remember things, I decided I would use sheer brainpower to muscle through the problem. I figured since I was smarter than most, my brain kung-fu would come out victorious. It would be like using a Cray, or maybe NASA's supercomputer to balance a checkbook.



Turns out, it doesn't matter how big a computer you have. If the lights are out, you ain't figuring out shit. No matter how hard I tried, I still drew blanks.



Eventually, with time, most of my memories came back. However, there's still a thirty minute blank spot after the crash. Luckily my motor skills weren't damaged and I rode down the road to the lookout just fine. I just couldn't form any memories during that time. Weird yet cool.

At the lookout I was still in babble mode. I can remember bits and pieces here and there, but it felt like I was really drunk. I do remember this one nursing student friend who checked if I had a concussion.



When that memory came back, I was in awe. Honestly, I did not expect such skills from this student at this time. I figured she would need a couple more years of study to reach the level of nurse-fu I experienced. She greatly exceeded all expectations. I was ready to become her groupie. In my clouded head, she was one miracle shy of sainthood. I was really close to hero worship and I was already planning which of my students I would use for human sacrifices.



"Oh, I thought you were lying so I was just checking to see if you were bullshitting."

Hahaha! Reality hit me as hard as my head hit the trail. God, I must have really been out of it.

Right now it's about hour 22 of the 24 hour concussion watch. I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time, yet I feel alert and wide awake. My body hurts like hell though. I do need to thank Riley once again. He woke me up at 4:30 AM (farmers don't even wake this early) by sending me a pix message on my phone. I couldn't ignore it otherwise my phone would beep all night long.



Now I'm not sure what he was trying to say by sending me a pic of a Trek Session 7. I know he was trying to convince me to ditch my Haro X6 (with upgraded fork and brakes) and buy the Trek, but if he was trying to insinuate that a better bike would have prevented my fall, then he really needs to cut back on the pot. I was on a Session 77, and upgraded Session 7, when I fell.

Anyway, it's now the day after. My upper body hurts, and I probably can't ride my motorcycle even though it's a holiday weekend. On the bright side, I have an extra day to recover before having to face the evil spawns of Satan- my students.



Wear your helmet! Probably saved me from an ambulance ride to the hospital.

Chicks Dig Scars... and Ball Huggers

Check out this fool.



He's got a Snell approved helmet with attention-getting ears. A leather jacket with CE approved armor in the shoulders, elbows, and back. Full leather gloves with knuckle protection. Leather sport pants with hip padding and knee armor. He even has racing style boots that has ankle support and toe, heel, and shin armor. It's like he's afraid he's going to fall off his motorcycle.

Don't he know that chicks dig scars?

Even the doofuses in professional racing don't know that. Idiots.



The easiest and quickest way to get those honey-attracting scars is to get rid of all that stupid protection. Why spend hundreds or thousands of dollars when you can get band aids and neosporin for under $10?

Take a look at this smart and attractive couple. They're famous in the sportbike world. Their pictures made the rounds of all the major bike message boards and also made it into a major monthly publication that's not porn!



Learn from them. The best way to ride is with your eye protection off. Never cover your arms. They're the first place you need to scar. The girl is obviously cooler than the guy since she forgoes the tee for a tank. They lose points for the gloves though. The guy earns sissy points for wearing jeans even though jeans shred on asphalt after about three feet of sliding. He should be a man like the girl and wear shorts. The running shoes are ok since they neither protect your feet nor do they stay on in major accidents. The girl went for the ever popular slippers/thongs/flipflops.

They're prepped and ready to go for the beauty enhancing scar tissue. And there they go.



Man, her once beautiful, smooth, nicely tanned legs are gonna look awesome with scars all over. oooooooohhhh. I'm shivering.

Check out this hottie. A wet dream come true. She took a fall at triple digit speeds wearing a sweatshirt. Boing!



**********************************

On a different note, here's a real life tip for those of you who ride.

Try compression shorts. They actually work. They provide support for your hams and glutes, helping prevent the dreaded "burning butt." You'll be able to ride longer and more comfortably wearing those compression shorts. The added bonuses are that they don't ride up and give you accidental thongs, and they keep your leathers from sticking to your sweaty body.

This applies to women too. The shorts aren't there to support a guy's nuts. Women have hams and glutes too, so they can also benefit from the shorts.

Or you could try those padded bike shorts. They do the same job.

Here's a pic of me in my compression shorts.



Just kidding. The guy is a model. I had to fire him though as his package does not do me any justice.


*The couple on the bike survived with minor injuries. The girl was going into shock when help arrived though. The road rashed girl is real. No photoshop.*

**Wear your gear**

The Magic of Ears

This is for my detractors. And this is me now laughing.


The ears, folks, they work! The ears have the magical ability to make me less of a stuck up b!tch, and much more approachable. They also increase my visibility on the road tremendously. I can't really prove that last statement, but because I said it, it's now a scientific fact.



You see, one of the greatest dangers to a motorcyclist is the inattentive driver. I read somewhere that about 75% of motorcycle accidents are caused by cagers, or car drivers. If you follow any motorcycle online message boards, you always read about some accident or another each week. The consensus is anything that makes us more visible on the road is good. Ears are good.

For some reason the ears are a hit with kids. No matter where they are, in a car, on the street, in a field, they will stop and look at me. They get a huge kick out of seeing the tiger eared biker.



Prior to the ears, it was rare that anyone would approach me at the lookout. Many people would pass the bike and nod or say, "nice bike." That was about it. Now that I have the ears, people aren't so afraid to approach and start a conversation, or at least try to get a better look.

The first week I had the ears, a tour guide got a look at them and yelled across the parking lot that the ears were cute. A cute, and really tall, Japanese girl stopped to watch me put on my gear. She kept saying, "kawaii." That means "cute." (I mentioned this before.) Now all I need is another bus load of Okinawan college girls. Lornette likes to tease me about it, but she just doesn't understand. A bus load of Japanese college girls. Right Guys? (Girls, think of a bus load of Ross's.)


(The second girl is Thai, but I wanted to show the impact of seeing more than one beautiful girl at a time.)

The other day I hinted in another blog that some tourist came and spoke with us. One of them said the ears were cute and that she recognized me from the town. They were at a shop on the side of the street eating shaved ice (snow cones). See how visible I am?

Today I got up to the lookout and just as I started to take off my helmet, a lady ran up to me.

"Those ears are great! I just have to take a picture of them. Can you put your helmet back on?"



And as I was leaving, another tourist started calling out to me. I had a hard time hearing him since I had my helmet on and was facing away, but he persisted.

"Sir, I just gotta tell you. The bike itself is awesome. But the helmet, the helmet makes it fukking phenomenal! My wife saw them and said, 'what the hell?' She thinks they're the coolest."



So there you have it. Irrefutable anecdotal evidence that my ears have been increasing my visibility and have been attracting people to me. Mission accomplished. Even the Fonz likes them. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy.