Watch That Floor

I fell asleep on the floor last night. That's never a good thing. Now I feel like writing.

I recently bought the movie Enchanted with Patrick Dempsey. It was pretty good. I liked it. I think there was an article on how Dempsey is a rediscovered hottie. I wouldn't know since I'm not gay. However, people still insist that I might be gay, and even girls I've slept with suspect I'm a homosexual. I guess I was that lousy. But I digress.

Anyway, I was thinking about Dempsey in a non-Tony Curtis way, and I remembered two of his older movies. Loverboy and Can't Buy Me Love. I figured I would try and look up those movies to see if I could watch them again. Doing a search for Loverboy turned up music stuff, of course, but I did get a hit on youtube for Can't Buy Me Love.

When I followed the link, I found out that someone posted the entire movie. Sweet! But then I got distracted. That same person also posted the movie Girls Just Want To Have Fun. That movie starred Helen Hunt and Sarah Jessica Parker when she was young and mildly attractive. And that movie led me to Cyndi Lauper.

I have to say that Cyndi Lauper was one of (still is) the greatest female vocalists ever. Time after Time? Everyone and their sister does a cover of that song. Most of them suck compared to the original. It's like doing a cover of Open Arms. You can never top the original, so don't embarrass yourself.

Then I came across I Drove All Night. Three versions, to be exact. Roy Orbison, Cyndi Lauper, and Celine Dion.



The Man. Roy Orbison. The coolest legally-blind mofo. I give his version a 9 out of 10. Although the song is originally his, his version wasn't released until after Lauper's cover version became a big hit. But something about his voice and style rocks. And this video kicks ass. It's simple, but is full of passion. I figure that is the point of the song. Someone so in love that they would drive all night long to be with the one they love. Jason Priestly and Jennifer Connelly did an excellent job in convincing me they were in love.



I have to give this version a 10 out of 10. I just love Lauper's style. The video is meh though. Apparently, when the video first came out, it caused controversy since it shows her naked. Forward 20 years and I didn't even notice.

I know a girl who would totally match wearing Lauper's 80's collection.

(Dion's version would go here if it didn't suck.)

Crap Karaoke bar version. Nuff Said.

Oh, and I'm afraid of big spiders.

Mountain Biking Kauai

Hi boys and girls. I had planned on writing another installment of Biker Teacher last week. Biker Teacher ended up being designated a van driver for a state teacher conference. He also managed to get lost not only going to the conference, but also heading back to the airport. To make things more interesting, there was another teacher with the same name (Bikher Teacher), though different gender, from a school with a similar name. Biker Teacher's school is Ass Crack Middle. Bikher's is Ass Part Intermediate. Funny, no?

But I decided to not write. Instead, I've become engrossed in a new game. I'm playing Lord of the Rings Online. Yes, I'm a nerd.

To keep you occupied, I've made a video of our regular weekend mountain bike run. The first person footage is me. The third person stuff is Rat.



After we were done riding, and were eating lunch, Big Brother mentioned something to the group. He said, "you wouldn't think it from looking at him, but Nonwheezer used to night dive."

Yup. I used to speardive/freedive at night. Yes, it was dark. Yes, I killed fish. And yes, I've seen many sharks. A lot of people would be afraid to jump into the ocean at night. I guess that makes me a little less nerdy.

Musical Youth!

A girl just badgered me into burning a CD for her. She said she wanted to hear something different, and if you heard me and Riley get into it about music, you'd know I listen to some non-lemur music. At first I tried to beg off. I was afraid to reveal my audio inclinations to this girl. But then she threatened my manhood with references to TNKOTB. I was forced into action. Yes, my manhood is tiny and fragile.

Anyway, since Photobucket is down and I can't work on the other blog I wanted, I guess I'll surf YouTube and post some songs that I enjoy.

Real Life: Send Me an Angel


Sugar Ray: Someday


Eddie Money: Take Me Home Tonight


Pet Shop Boys: West End Girls


Foreigner: I Want to Know What Love Is


Icehouse: Electric Blue


Meatloaf: I'd Do Anything For Love (But I won't Do That)


Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: Mary Jane's Last Dance


The Cranberries: Dreams


Vanilla Ice: Ice Ice Baby (hehe)


Deee-Lite: Groove is in the Heart


Heart: These Dreams


BoA: Milky Way


Psy: Champion


Fatboy Slim: Right Here Right Now


Alan Kuo: Ling


Nickelback: Photograph


Orange Range: Shanghai Honey


Roxette: Joyride


Weezer: Buddy Holly


Lisa Loeb: Stay


LEN: Steal My Sunshine


Journey: Open Arms


Maxi Priest and Roberta Flack: Set the Night to Music


Timmy T: One More Try


Fine Young Cannibals: She Drives Me Crazy


Groove Coverage: Poison


Human League: Don't You Want Me Baby


Men Without Hats: Pop Goes the World


Baltimora: Tarzan Boy


Breathe: How Can I Fall


That should tide you over for a while.

Free Hugs

My name is Nonwheezer and I'm a YouTube addict.

*Hi Nonwheezer*

During
my Christmas vacation I must have watched several hundred videos. Most
of them have been funny and entertaining, but few had any other
redeeming qualities besides humor. For awhile I thoughtYouTube was just a spot for people to be attention whores. Much like MySpace.

Then I ran across this video. It's weird, but I actually feel better after watching this video, and I have YouTube to thank for it.

Youth in Asia: Socks and Thongs

The Band Teacher came over for a final visit. She's heading back to Arizona for the next semester of college. She stopped by to chat for a bit and to say goodbye.

In case you forgot, this is the Band Teacher's very fit and very firm body:



When she got here, we started chatting outside. I usually don't feel comfortable with people in my room. I have sweaty mountain bike and motorcycle gear in my closet. If the trade winds blow just right, my room smells like a gym.

I showed her the brand new tires on my bike. She came with me when I ordered them, so I figured I may as well point them out. I also explained that I had a bit more scrubbing of the tires to do to kill off the chicken strips.



"I don't know. I would feel more comfortable being enclosed," she said. "I'm not sure what the thrill is about."

"You never straddled a throbbing V-Twin before?"

"I've never owned one before."

That's when I started staring at her inseam. Of course it was to check her leg length. No, really. I wasn't ogling... much.

Her crotch came up about the height of my crotch, so I told her she should try sitting on my bike. She did so cautiously since she hadn't sat on a motorcycle before. I ran back and forth to both sides of the bike to get her into the proper position and to make sure she didn't scratch herself on my new rearsets. Those things have sharp edges meant to dig into boots.



While behind her, I noticed the top part of her jeans was a bit open. I couldn't resist a peek.

"Hey, I can see inside your pants."

"HEY! I'm wearing a thong you know."

"Really?" And I peeked again. I was playing around though. I didn't really try to look at her thong. I told her that too since I didn't want to be TOO crass.



The Band Teacher hopped off the bike. I hopped on right after her. Although our genitalia are located around the same altitude, it was easier for me to get my feet on the ground. Part of the reason could be her weight. She's only 113 pounds compared to my 200. Troll flesh is made of depleted uranium. Her body could only compress the suspension and seat cushion half as much as the orc.

Another reason was her position on the seat. She sat toward the back of the seat. I sat balls on tank, and I pointed it out to her. Not so much my balls, but the fact that the seat is lower nearer to the tank lets me get my feet down. I told her that her brass balls probably got in the way and she agreed and said she would shift them to the left next time.



Next we played with my dog. The Band Teacher first met my dog when he was about 8 weeks old. He's about 10 months old now and about 50 pounds big.

"He seems happy to see me."

"How do you know?"

"Because... he... is."

"He has a boner?"

"Yeah."



I can't blame the dog. If young women gave me that much attention, I would be sporting wood 24/7.

I played with the dog a bit and he slobbered all over my hands. He has this weird thing where he needs to lick things or put things in his mouth. He doesn't bite my hands. He just coats them with saliva.

"Smell my finger," as I stuck my hand under the Band Teacher's nose. "BTW, you always wear thongs?" I know for a fact I have never seen panty lines on the Band Teacher before.

"Almost always. When it's that time, I don't."

"That time? Oh! That's right, you use pads." I once had to help her shop for pads and depilatory creams. I still don't know why these feminine hygiene products come in strawberry and cream scents. Do women expect someone to eat... oh. Never mind.

"Yeah. I can't use tampons. My vaginal muscles are so well trained that I can tie the string into a bow and eject the tampon 20 feet all while I sleep." (She didn't say this. This is what my male brain heard.)



"I don't believe you without video. Did you try ping pong balls yet?"

Then I took her for a ride in the Yaris.



This car is a total chick magnet. They can't get enough of the spacious interior. The well thought out ergonomics. The energy conserving 1.5 liter four banger. The sensible styling. Bland, yet tasteful.

While in the car, I bemoaned the fact that I lack actors to help me make YouTube videos. I'm as ugly as dog poop, so if I am ever going to make videos, I need human-looking people. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone who both looks good and is willing to help. The Band Teacher said that Hawaii people aren't great actors. She does have a point. Everyone I know either sucks on screen or is too embarrassed to be of use. But then I remembered Mikey Inouye.

Mike Inouye has a very popular video blog on YouTube. I've watched several of his videos and he cracks me up. What makes it even better is that he collaborated with Abbegirl to make a few. Abbe is a pretty blonde.



"There you go with the blondes again. Are you into blondes?"

"I don't think I have a preference. The other day when I was passing the Shrimp Station," I point over my shoulder even though the Shrimp Station is seven miles away, "I saw a pretty black girl. I swear I couldn't stop looking. She was hot."

"Hey, that's cool that you don't care about race."

"Yeah. I think my only real criteria is that the girl has a vagina."



When we got back to my house it was time for the Band Teacher to leave. She wasn't sure if she would be able to return during the summer or if she would have to wait until next winter to come visit.

"The next time I come back, I'll show you another thong."



Me:



*********************

On December 29, I had to say goodbye to a dear companion. We had first met nearly 14 years ago. Back then I was really into rollerblading. It was through rollerblading that we met. Even after I stopped skating and moved on to other activities like diving and drag racing, my companion remained close by. Then when I started riding my motorcycle, my companion came with me on most of my rides.

However, because of age and a hard life, my companion no longer had any strength left. He couldn't stay up and he couldn't support me. I had no choice but to give my companion a dignified end.

Goodbye, socks. I will miss you.

Twilight

Created a new sportbike video with Lorn, Lauren, and Fonto. I had originally planned to use Brimful of Asha for the soundtrack, but when I viewed the clips I had, I thought it went better to ELO's Twilight.

KFM Playground Video

I ride mountain bikes.

A friend of mine started to ride XC after work for some crosstraining. He's a motorcross racer. Then it spread to my brother and his other coworkers. Eventually it reached me.

I had broken my stationary bike and purchased an elliptical trainer as a replacement. I was never happy with the elliptical. It seemed to work the smaller muscles of my legs rather than the larger thighs and glutes. I felt I was not getting the workout I used to get. So when my brother suggested I join them after work for some XC bicycling, I jumped at the chance.

I started off on my brother's old Trek 3900. It's a hardtail, which means there is no rear suspension. It's harder on the bumps, but with no shock absorber to absorb pedaling energy, it's an efficient bike. I soon wished for more though. I had dreams of being 10 again and hitting some big dirt jumps. I started looking into a full suspension bike of my own.

If you haven't priced mountain bikes, be prepared for some sticker shock. The bikes can easily run up to $4000-5000. And no, you cannot do with a Walmart special for $99. That's like buying a Yugo for NASCAR duties. Luckily, I found an entry-level Haro X6.

The X6 is a cheaper version of the X7, a decent mountain bike. What that means is that some of the parts are a cheaper, lower-end models. However, it sold for only $1000, which is cheap for real MTBs (mountain bikes). It's also an all-mountain type bike. It falls right in between the XC and Downhill archetypes of MTB. The XC bikes usually have about 4" of suspension travel and are built lighter for speed. The downhill bikes are more robust with 7-10" of travel. They're designed to descend mountains and hit anything in their way without stopping. They're also hard to pedal. The All-Mountain bikes fit right in between.

For the past several months, we've been going up the mountain for some real mountain biking. The trails we ride on include fast single-track action, log jumps, big drops, cliffs, etc. I have learned that people older than 18 should look twice before leaping.

Yes, I have crashed many times.

Now because fear and self-preservation beat my skill and technique, I relegated myself to the group's documenter. The added bonus of this is that I don't get to be infront of the cameras. This is a good thing. I'm so un-photogenic that my last pic was mistaken as evidence for Big Foot.

Enough gilding the lilly. Here is the result of our last two trips up the mountain. Yet another video by yours truly:



PS: I know the unintelligentsia won't see this because clicking links is too much of a bother, but I did crash yet again on this last trip. It was bad enough to knock the wind out of me for a few minutes, and now my shoulder is messed up.

PPS: For those that don't know, the unintelligentsia thrive on my mishaps.