Fantasy Island... for cheap.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

How was your Labor Day weekend?

It's not like I really care to know. I'm just asking so that I can talk about my weekend and gloat.

Yup, I had a great time. Pretty close to a Fantasy Island type mini-vacation. In fact, when it was over, I felt almost like Edward Anderton and Jocelyn Kirsch. If you don't know who they are, they are the young, attractive couple that ran an identity-fraud scheme. They stole the identities of their friends and neighbors, and used stolen funds to vacation in Hawaii, London, and Paris. But unlike them, I actually paid a little bit using my own money.

So what did my Fantasy Island weekend look like?

How about three nights in a million-dollar home. This house was located on a really lush hillside. My favorite part of the house was a former patio. It had been enclosed and made into an extension of the living/dining room. The walls were nearly all glass windows, and the room was surrounded by beautiful, large, green trees. It was like you could step out of the dining room and into a tropical rainforest. The rain at night added to the ambiance. That, and the house had great lighting with dimmer switches located everywhere to provide romantic mood lighting.

After spending the first night there, Botany Babe and I had brunch at a well established local restaurant that served good food with quick service and low prices. We had Quarter Pounder Meals.

Later that day, I went mountain biking. BB continued working on decorating an envelop box for a wedding. I may be biased, but I think she has great talent for decorating. She made a shit-ugly fishing box look like a present for the princess of Xanadu.

Then we met up at the $$$ House for our second night. This time, we spent the evening watching a classic movie on a 60 inch TV. You've never really experienced home theater until you've heard Jay say, "All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob," on a stereo surround sound system.

The next day BB went to church and I got to ride my motorcycle. BB got to show off her box (don't be thinking that about my girl) to her aunt, who then showered her with praise.

The third night went well. We got lots of sleep since we didn't have to be anywhere in the morning. We got out of bed at 9:30 instead of the usual 6:00. After washing up, we headed off to the mall.

We had an Asian style lunch. Very exotic. And reasonably priced too. (It was a Korean BBQ place) Then we went shopping. We didn't buy much, but we pretended we were big spenders. We looked at jewelry, and shoes, and pretty dresses. In the end, it's no fun to be in a mall without spending money, so we bought some tape and gum. Unfortunately, we ended up behind two old ladies at the register. It took us 15 minutes to get out of that store.

Once free of that retail establishment, we headed off to a spa located in a plantation-style resort. We got a couples massage... mmmm... It's a great feeling having someone rub your naked body for an hour. After that, we were feeling nice and mellow, so we laid in a hammock by the sea. It was the resort's hammock, and we weren't guests of the resort, but who cares? We enjoyed a nice hour cuddling to the sounds of waves crashing on shore.

Before we got too cozy, we headed off to yet another house we would never be able to afford. This one was located a bit off the beaten path. It was decorated with a classic touristy-adventurer theme. It was like a South Pacific movie poster. The house also had a great view. It overlooked about a mile of coffee fields with a clear view of the ocean.

But the real treat was the outdoor shower. BB and I were still slick with massage lotion on our bodies, so we hopped in the shower. Imagine a beautiful vine covered lava rock walled shower. There was very little wind, blue skies, and lots of hot water. I didn't want to get out.

And to finish off the great weekend, we ate free homestyle cooking courtesy of my mom. Heh.

PS: MPS and BiL, Machu Pichu tried to trick me into working for her at the farm fair. I didn't fall for it.

One Week in Minnesota part Deux

Yes, after Chicago, I ended up back in Minnesota again. My 1.5 hour flight lasted 2.5 hours due to a thunderstorm. Nibbs, a member of the nerd group... err... Adventure Follies, kept a watch on my flight and picked me up at the MSP when I landed. Later we went out to get some Chinese food.


I wonder who will be the lucky one? I still haven't brought joy to anyone. Hmmm.

The next day we were heading off to Hinckley. Nibbs had to work in the morning first, though. So I decided to walk around South Saint Paul.

The first order of business was getting a set of house keys. Nibbs emailed me directions to her ex-husband's house, and called her daughter to let her know I was coming over. BTW, I had met the daughter the day before. Strange girl. Most girls would put on clothes when strangers come around. This one just held on to a blanket.

Oh, and the directions I got were crap. It would have sent me 3 blocks in the wrong direction.



The sleepy town of South St. Paul.

So I got a set of house keys, and started to explore the town.


Closed. Out backpacking.


Closed. Death in the family. With a very detailed note explaining everything.


Closed. Make an appointment.


Closed. Go somewhere else.


Closed for the season. Haha!


Open! Yes! A little diner where you have old men talking about politics and news. There were Korean War vets complaining about the war in Iraq, the election, politics, etc. Then they started talking about the new iPhone with all it's new features, including high speed internet access. These old farts knew their shit.


Best cheeseburger I had on this whole trip.

Seeing as South St. Paul wasn't cutting it for adventure, I hopped on a bus to downtown.


It was empty when I started. It filled up pretty quick.

Nibbs: Squiggy, where are you?

Me: I don't know. I'm on a bus to downtown.

Nibbs: OK. I finish work soon.

Me: Take your time.

(time passes)

Nibbs: Where are you? I finish work in 25 minutes.

Me: No idea. I'm still on the bus.


Made it to downtown St. Paul. Yeah!

Nibbs: OK, I'm done work. Picking you up now.

Crap. There went the exploring.

Since Hinckley was about 80 miles away, Nibbs decided to rent a car.


I had nothing better to do while paperwork was being filled out, so I went around the corner and bought some drinks and a package of M&Ms. I eventually convinced the entire staff of the rental place to partake in the M&M feast.



Ah, my own room. Pretty big room too. It was pretty nice to be able to sleep, shower, and shit whenever I wanted.


Hinckley is a casino town. That made it weird for me since I don't gamble. I hardly drink too. So I occupied myself by talking to the shop workers, and walking around the casino while people-watching.

Nibbs had her friend, Capital B, meet us there and the two of them went off to gamble. I headed back to my room for a shower. I later met them in the casino bar.


These white people really couldn't dance. If there are any women who like to go out dancing, this is one place where I would be willing to dance.


Scarekrow. A country band. They did a cover on a Prince song. I can't remember which song, but it was pretty surreal.


Yeah, I don't stick out in this crowd.

The next day, Nurse Cindy was supposed to arrive. He, yes "he", ended up driving to Brainerd, which is really far away. He had a slight mix up with his GPS. In the mean time, Nibbs, Capital B, and I had breakfast.


Say hi to Cameo.

Me: Your hair is very cute.

Cameo: Thanks.

Me: (later) Can I take your picture?

Cameo: Sure.

Me: Thanks. You look similar to a friend of mine. She's from Minnetonka.

I was talking about Machu Pichu. Cameo had the same hairdo and a similar round face.

Nurse Cindy then showed up. He arrived on the red-eye, and he worked a full day before his flight. So what did we do? We dragged him out to Duluth, which was only 86 miles away. I drove. (Why? Because you make me car sick. But don't go pulling that, "you should have turned back there," shit. The guy in the Accord thought that was funny.)


Everyone in MN said I should go to Duluth. It's on Lake Superior. Apparently it really was the place to be. There was a dog show and a reggae concert going on at the same time. All the Ruff-tafari were out in force.




We ended up in a place called Park Point. Looks pretty nice, eh?


I was checking out the sights.


Duluth coast on Lake Superior.


Nibbs gave this guy a dollar, so I took his picture. Had to get our money's worth.


A Neptunian phallic symbol.





We ate at Grandma's Saloon and Grill. Grandma also had a restaurant, several stores, and a cookie business. My grandma, on the other hand, was a barber.



This bridge goes up and down to let boats through. I had a mean blowjob on the bridge. The wind was gusting so hard that it would literally push you to the side.


The beach. It was cold and windy. No one would be half naked. So what's the point? We turned back. Halfway over the bridge and an alarm sounded. They were going to raise the bridge. Luckily they waited for us to get to the other side.


This hottie couldn't stop taking pictures. I think she liked BIG THINGS that STRADDLES WET BODIES of water and GO DOWN.


At least one Dave was here.


Machu Pichu used to go on and on about Caribou Coffee. I finally went in and got a drink. Tasted like Starbucks to me.

At the table next to us, an older woman was writing in a little book. As we were leaving, I asked what she was writing. She said she was just keeping a journal, and that she was playing hooky from work.

Further down the street we passed a shop with a sign that said: Floor show and jazz. I asked NC, "floor show? What's that? Is that like hard wood? Pine? Maybe shag carpeting?" The older woman passed by. "It's a strip show," she said. Ah. Heh.


Get off my back.


Ahhhhhhhh... relief...

Once we hit the interstate for the drive back, Nibbs and NC fell asleep. Thanks guys. I always wanted to drive 86 miles in total silence.

The next day we left Hinckley and got back into South St. Paul. We found an Italian place that had great all-you-can-eat spaghetti.



It's SODA. While the Midwest may say POP, the rest of the civilized world says SODA. The weirdos in the south say COKE. It was a major topic for debate in the Enterprise rental office, Hinckley, and Duluth.

After dinner, back at Nibb's place, I heard some noise from the park across the street.



Community league kickball! How cool is that?


The next day I decided to ride the light rail system in Minneapolis. It's only one line so far, but hey, I love public transportation.


This train was way too clean.


It took me to downtown Minneapolis.


To a place called Nicollet Mall. It's several blocks of buildings lining Nicollet Avenue. Each building has several stores and businesses inside.


Some even have cool lobbies. And since MN tends to get cold in the winter...


They have skyways between buildings.


I actually thought this was common sense.

Since I was out early in the morning, most of these businesses were still closed. So I hopped on the train and headed to the Mall of America.


The Mall had just opened, so it was still dead. This girl had some time to kill before kids would start rushing her skin painting booth.

Since I already did the mall two weeks ago, I was bored. Luckily NC was around. We drove to God knows where just for fun.


Now you can purchase your own Asian.

NC and I ended up in downtown St. Paul. We were trying to find some place to eat. But guess what? Downtown was like South St. Paul. Every place was fricking closed. Seriously. We tried like 5 restaurants and they were all closed.



We ended up eating in one of these diner cars.

Then we spent the evening kicking back in Nibb's house until dinner. That was a fiasco too. The first few places we tried were closed. I wasn't surprised. Applebee's was open though.


Say hi to Amy.

Amy came to our table and asked if we wanted anything to drink. She put some cardboard coasters on the table. They had beer ads on them.

"Hey, you guys serve beer here!"

"Yes we do," Amy said. She listed off a long list of beers.

"Do you have Mic Ultra?"

"Yes. Not draft though. It'll be in a bottle," Amy said.

"Stop being a sissy," Nibbs chimed in. "Drink a real beer."

"I like Ultra too," said Amy.

"Me too. It's great for watching the figure... not that you would need it," I said.

"They even have fruit flavored Ultra now," Amy said.

"Really? Maybe I should try that."

"Oh, we don't have the fruity ones. Besides, you're a man. You don't need the fruity drinks," said Amy.

"Yeah. I'm a man! Yeah!" And I flexed.

I would later make life hell for Amy. I couldn't figure out a dinner combo without ending up with two salads. Eventually we figured out a 7oz steak, with a ceasar salad (no dressing), French onion soup, and a hot fudge dessert.

Amy came out with my soup. It had cheese in it. I didn't know French onion came with cheese. I wasn't even halfway through the soup when Amy came back with my salad.

"Whoa. You're doing a good job of feeding me. You're one of those marrying types."

Amy laughed. "I don't think so. I'm not the one cooking the food."

"Doesn't matter. You're the one providing it for the man," I said with a smile. Gotta love waitresses. They have to put up with all the shit and lame jokes with a smile.

Before we left, I asked Amy if I could take her picture. Nibbs told her it was for my blog. Amy laughed right when I clicked the pic, so she looks funny. She didn't care. She said she always looked bad so it didn't matter. (I disagree with her looking bad.)



Time for me to fly back home.


Phoenix.


"Attention passengers, this is the captain speaking. The good news is that we arrived 20 minutes ahead of schedule. The bad news is that our gate is not ready so we will have to wait on the tarmac until it clears."

(15 minutes go by)

"OK, here's an update. The aircraft at the gate is starting its pushback so we will be able to pull in shortly."

(more minutes go by)

"Attention passengers. Earlier I said we would be pulling in shortly. Well, the pushback has been completed, but now a tug has broken down..."

I eventually made it to the airport.