The Bird

A crazy bird that always nests in a particular tree each summer.

Gsx-rGIRRRL Gets Mad

I'm under some time constraints, so I'll just rush through this. I'm going to try and make fun of Gsx-rGIRRRL before she gets home.

This afternoon was motorcycle cleaning day. I normally wash my bike maybe
once every two or three months. It's hard to do because if it's nice
enough of a day to wash, it's nice enough to ride instead. But since I
spent the morning trying to knee drag, I decided it was time to clean off the seat.



Gxs-rGIRRRL called. She asked if she could stop by and get a CD-Rom I made for her. It contained a service manual for her bike. Any mechanic would tell you that a good
service manual is worth it's weight in plutonium. When she arrived, she
was dressed to the nines. I thought it was weird that she dressed up to
pick up a little disk, but that's the unintelligentsia for you.

We chatted while I finished wiping down the bike. Then she went to go play with my dog. I gave her a couple of doggie treats to give to the the pitbull. So she fed him and petted him and talked to him. Then as we were walking away, she said, "I gave him a doggie boner."


I was in shock and the best comeback I could make was, "I'll be sure not to shake your hand."



Then she found this dead spider that I washed off my bike. She played with it like it was a toy.
I don't know about you guys, but these spiders can grow as big as your
hand and they make me scream like a girl. I've had them crawl all over
me before. Didn't phase her at all. I think at one point she even
considered eating it.



I left her a present on the CD. It's appropriately titled too. It's a video called: L****getsmad. hehe.



She was too afraid to turn up the volume on her first viewing. I'm sure once she does, she'll laugh about it then decide on an appropriate form of revenge. (I made her
sound like the Marlboro Man.)


***Added: I was also ordered by the unintelligentsia to burn another CD. I like how the order came in a roundabout way.

"I want to see that video of me, the one from far away, that you took, but bigger and not all pixellated."

(dramatic pause)

"Go burn it to CD for me."

V: The Eastern Unintelligentsia

I was driving home after a bike ride and out of the blue, I remembered V.



V might be considered one of the early unintelligentsia. I met her when I was in college in Hilo.

This girl was a major firecracker.
Not only was she really good looking, but she was also funny, and had
great self esteem. She did what she felt like doing and if people
didn't like it, too bad. I don't recall her ever saying anything
negative about another person other than those who tried to make fun of
her. Instead of getting you to laugh at people, she made you laugh with
her. This made her immensely likable, and we used to look forward to
her visits.

She loved acting. I guess it comes naturally when
one is an extrovert. However, she really did enjoy it. She used to try
and get us to go watch her in various plays, but since we were "above"
going to plays, I never did get to see her act. I kick myself now.

Now because she loved acting, she loved being on film. One day she came over and we did an impromptu photo shoot. My roommate put her in various wrestling holds while I snapped off a few shots. It's frikking hilarious when your 6 foot tall roommate has a 5 foot tall girl in a headlock or in a suplex.
And the girl played along and loved it. Unfortunately I don't have
those pictures anymore. They were stored on 3.5" floppy disks. Remember
those?

V was also generous with her things. She once let my roommate her car for a day. It was an older Nissan Sentra
(but it wasn't old back then), filled with the requisite items of the
typical female car. She had two pairs of shoes, several shirts, a
couple of shorts, and an odd number of socks. My memory is fuzzy, but I
think I remember something like panties or bikinis.


So my roomie left for the day. V came over in the evening, and my roomie returned. V went outside to get in her car...

"How did my four door become a two door?"

My roommate was the stereotypical clueless surfer dude. He just hopped in the first Sentra
that looked like V's car and drove off. The weird thing was that the
key actually worked! They returned the car to a bewildered parking lot
wanderer.

Like some other unintelligentsia, V would take breaks
from hair removal duties. She too would allow her legs to grow a fine
coat. Even worse, V would take it one step further. Not only would she
show her prickly legs to us, but she would insist, nay force, us to
touch them. Touch them we did. We were forced into running our hands
across her stubbled shins and calves. It was an experience on the order
of a car wreck. We knew it was bad and disgusting, but we could not
stop from getting more.


Now V wasn't just all humor and
acting. She could give a guy a major case of blue-balls if she wanted.
Like the time she came to visit wearing some loose fitting soccer
shorts. She sprawled out on the couch and discussed her underwear
habits. Mainly, how she rarely wore them. Those satineque shorts
revealed a lot, but not enough. I'm sure it was obvious where our eyes
were, but V didn't care. That's just how she was. She knew college guys
want to look, and she just saw it as a fact of life. Not a huge
production for her.

And don't get me started on AOL. AOL used to be the number one internet
craze at the time. I had an account, and V wanted to try out the chat.
Of course, with V, nothing was normal. Imagine being a college male
with a hot female seated right next to you. Now imagine the female is
online describing her fellatio techniques. Yeah, you get the picture.


But even V sometimes needed help. There was one night when it was raining cats and dogs, which is normal for Hilo,
when she called asking for a ride. My roommate was either too drunk or
stoned to comprehend the message, so I hopped in my truck to go pick
her up. When I found her at the 7-11, she was soaked to the bone. She
had an argument with her boyfriend, and he kicked her out of his house.
She had to walk several blocks through the downpour to the payphone to
call for a ride. This was the era before the widespread use of
cellphones. I don't think she let the breakup set her back though. She
was back on her feet in a few days. She always had a tough personality.

I do thank Hilo for being cold enough to prevent any thoughts of sleeping in the nude. On more than one occasion,
V burst into my room before noon to wake me up. What was a surprising
and funny situation could have easily become a source embarrassment. I wasn't used to locking my room door when the house doors were locked.

So V, thanks for being one hell of an entertaining human being. You made some otherwise boring college days a bit more fun.

The Unintelligentsia: L&L

Intelligentsia: intellectuals who form an artistic, social, or political vanguard or elite (Merriam-Webster Online). They were generally associated with eastern European revolutions and reforms.

I sometimes consider myself a part-time intelligentsia, at least in my corner of the world I am. I believe I help disseminate and develop culture on my little rock. For those who don't know me, I teach metaphysical education and paranormal phychiatry. Heavy stuff.


Now being a member of the intelligentsia is tough work. You have to be a role model. You will never know when someone is watching, so you always have to be on your best behavior. For me it means that even if I have flatus, I cannot expell it. I must hold on to that commodity to protect the image that my sh!t don't stink. I cannot scratch myself because the general public believes that my balls are perfect spheres. The work day can be tiring.


Once the work day is done and I head home, it's still not all fun and games. In the afternoon, I correspond with other semi-intelligentsia from around the world. This is why I rarely write in pidgin. I have readers from many states, including the 51st state, Canada. I also have an avid reader and deviate from the UK. I call them "semi" because although they are very smart, they fear outsiders. Thus, they don't fit the social qualification.


Enter Lorn and Lauren, the Unintelligentsia.
<---temporary picture until L or L send me a pic from the ride.

No Lorn, I am not calling you stupid.

The unintelligentsia, though intelligent, have the power to utterly destroy any attempts to develop meaningful culture. This is not always a bad thing since we know a lot of American culture stinks. In fact, the unintelligentsia are incredible people to have around. They are so obnoxious that you can't help but laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh.


The unintelligentsia have no problem using words like fukk, sh!t, kuhnt in the presence of 5 year olds.


The unintelligentsia ponder, out loud, how it would be like to ride a motorcycle naked.


The unintelligentsia name my masculine, noble steed, Suzie.


The unintelligentsia say things like: You crash more often than I change underwear.


The unintelligentsia hit people really hard in places that lack armor just to test armor.


The unintelligentsia steal 20 packets of ketchup for 2 cheeseburgers and some fries.


The unintelligentsia will exclaim, "eureka," then disappear for 30 minutes before returning to explain that they learned how to move their a$$ an inch.


The unintelligentsia love to throw shoes.


The unintelligentsia don't mind body hair, hairy legs, or furry armpits.


The unintelligentsia speak a special sort of twin language. Much like Jodie Foster in Nell. Tayay een da ween!


The unintelligentsia will point out that although your head, back, shoulders, arms, hands, hips, knees, shins, ankles, feet are protected, your sacks are exposed.


The unintelligentsia make fun of your car.


The unintelligentsia do wind sprints at 4000 feet elevation and come back gasping, just for fun.


The unintelligentsia, upon finding out someone is your classmate, will say, "wow, Lo Pan [classmate] is really old."


The unintelligentsia never watched Big Trouble in Little China.


The unintelligentsia love watching you crash.


In the end, the unintelligentsia are just plain fun to be around. They have many saving graces. For one, they aren't afraid to get a little dirty if it means they can work on cars.


They're bikers.



and they are genuinely nice people, some of the times.


*The last statement was made under duress. I know if I say otherwise, Lorn will hit me again.*