Where You Can Find Me

On the weekends I'm usually up on this mountain. I'm either riding my 03 SV650S (in copper, since copper is the fastest color) or crashing my Haro Extreme X6 mtb. The latter has proven to be a hit with some so-called friends



This island was created over a million years ago by a single volcano. Due to years of erosion and constant nagging by its wife (should have stayed single), large wrinkles and crevasses appeared. The winding, jagged nature of the canyon provides us with a wonderful road full of twisties, or awesome bike trails inches from perilous falls.



The scenic views draw in both locals and tourists alike. I keep going back hoping to relive that one glorious day back in 05. Imagine a bus-load of Okinawan college girls crawling all over your bike while taking pictures. It was exactly like that.

oooooooo yeahhhhhhhh

The Concise Abridged Cliffnotes Summary of Movies

Odd, but when I did a search on Yahoo.. for "cool movies," it kept asking me if I meant "cool gay movies."


Bourne Identity: Remake of Jackie Chan's Who Am I?


Conan: Half naked bad a$$ killing Darth Vader with a big sword.


Demolition Man: They got the idea for the lame San Angeles from NY's ban of trans-fat.


Escape from New York: Accurate documentary of NYC circa 1980.


5th Element: Cabbie Harry Canyon saves the world. Again.


Formula 51: It's fake.


The Professional (aka Leon): Retard with a gun saves Queen Amidala


Over the Top: . . . they beat me to it.


The Patriot: Anti-semite also hates WASPs.


Point Break: You would think Neo, Dalton, and Tank Girl could make a winner using surfing and guns. You would think...


Ronin: De Niro is the man! But what's in the case?


Starship Troopers: 3,406,105 rounds fired. Three hit. Neil Patrick Harris as Fuehrer Doogie Hauser MD.


Top Gun: Scientologist shooting down French armed bad guys while flying his Tomkat.


The Warriors: Another award-winning documentary of the Big Apple.


Witness: I don't know why people want to fuk with the Amish. Leave them be.


12 Angry Men: Twelve angry men in 1 room. Not guilty.


Boogie Nights: Girls, save time and just skip to the last scene.


Contact: The world spends $100 Gajillion so Jodie can visit her father.


Lord of the Flies: True story of Mrs. Klein's 5th grade field trip gone bad.


Pearl Harbor: Couldn't think of a more romantic setting for a love story than the carnage after the Day That Will Live in Infamy.


Seven Years in Tibet: Tyler Durden goes to Nepal to start a fight club. He gets whooped by the Dalai Lama.

or

So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald, striking. So I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one. Big hitter, the Lama. Long. Into a 10,000 foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama said? Gunga galunga. Gunga, gungagalunga. So we finish the 18th and he's going to stiff me. And I say, "hey Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that going for me, which is nice.


Stand By Me: Kids without Playstation.. will find dead bodies to play with.


Dogma: If Christianity was this fun, I would convert.


Falling Down: This was listed as a comedy. I guess a man having a breakdown and going on a murder spree can be humorous. hehe.


Fast Times at Ridgemont High: Anthem of the 80's high school student. Phoebe Cates' boobs = 10.


Friday: Chris Tucker is annoying.


Monty Python and the Holy Grail: If you can name one movie quote from this movie, you are a nerd. Don't ask how many I know.


Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back: Kevin Smith movies rock. Except for Chasing Amy.


Rush Hour: Chris Tucker is still annoying.


Zapped!: X-men using their powers wisely.

The Devil is a Lawyer

"The Devil is a lawyer," I said one day, "He must be. He believes in contracts."

My friend, a lawyer from Connecticut, had a good counter-argument. However, since I can't remember what he said, I'll just present my side and call it "Truth."

You see, the Devil seems to want to acquire souls. He often tries to tempt people to break laws so that their souls will be damned. This shows that the Devil is well versed in law. Heck, he convinced Eve to screw over her husband by breaking the law.

The Devil will often bargain for souls. Like an insurance salesman, he got a mighty good sales pitch. He's also always ready with contracts. It's that contract thing. You need to have a legal background to write contracts for souls. And you really need to believe in law and order for those contracts to work.

Ah, now I remember a part of what Attorney CT said. The Devil is lawful evil. (16, yes! I made my saving throw.)

When people picture hell, they are actually thinking of anarchy and bedlam. All hell broke loose and stuff. But you cannot conduct legal proceedings and fulfill contracts in a world without order. You need a world where law rules.

The Divine Comedy describes Hell as having nine circles. Each circle represents some eternal damnation for various sins. The fact that there are criteria that determine which sinners go to which circle shows that there is order. You can't have sinners wandering about. They tend to shoplift.

(food break)

In the Devil and Daniel Webster, a farmer sells his soul and signs a contract in exchange for good fortune. Now when it is time to pay up, the farmer hires the famous lawyer Daniel Webster to defend him. The Devil agrees to hold a trial. Webster wins and the farmer is released from the terms of the contract. Now if he was anarchistic, the Devil would have just said, "screw it," and take the farmer's soul. But the Devil is not an anarchist. He abides by the verdict of the jury.


The Devil Went Down to Georgia shows that the Devil must obey some unwritten laws. He doesn't just go down to Georgia and steal souls. No. He goes down and makes deals and contracts based on fiddle playing. The Devil lost the fiddle playing contest since he really prefers woodwinds, but he still kept his end of the bargain. A chaotic evil devil would have bailed without paying.

In the movie Crossroads (the blues one, not the one with the then pretty Spears) Ralph Macchio plays in a guitar duel against the Devil's champion. Ralph wins and the Devil cancels the contract on the old-dude-who-tricked-Ralph's soul. Now if he wasn't law abiding, he would have just killed Ralph and taken the old guy's soul just for kicks. Oh wait. Killing Ralph would have been a good thing which would cause a paradox.


Faust, Bedazzeled, Constantine, etc. Let's face it. The Devil believes in law and order. He's a lawyer.

Then again, now that I think about it... it might be unfair to the Devil to call him a lawyer.


(Lots of effort for a lame lawyer joke.)

The Intellectual Whore

I am a filthy whore. A dirty, filthy whore.

A friend pointed out one day that I may be an intellectual whore. Basically, an intellectual whore is a girl's platonic friend. You see, beautiful, nubile, young women tend to avoid short, stout trolls like me. They go for the chiseled abs, the buffed arms, the fast cars, the large phallus, and so on. Brains are optional. Now these girls are happy for a while. Who wouldn't be when you have a Greek god pleasuring you. But then they realize that something is missing.

Brains.

A new lust builds within these women. They lust for intellectual stimulation. When the batteries run out (from their PSPs) they search for the perfect prey. They search for the ugly guy friend who, like, you know, knows stuff, and yeah.

I guess it started back in college. I met the nicer looking of twins and got nowhere. Short, cute, Filipino, and most importantly, female. This has no point to my story.

Back in college my roommate introduced me to Prodigy. He showed me something called "chat." It was an incredible invention. One for the ages. Through the miraculous use of technology you could hurl insults and profanity at completely random people. It was right up there with the wheel. I got hooked.

I signed on to AOL and began chatting. Through several months I learned things that mere mortals would never know unless they were the average teenager who owned a computer. Online you can lack a voice, good hygiene, or a face, and still be good looking.

Me.

Through use of sheer intellect, genius, and creativity, I became a stud.

Intellectual me.

So in a nutshell, the hot, sexy women pick up the loser guys that ooze testosterone. Then they get their intellectual stimulation from me. Because I'm just a gigolo, and everywhere I go people ask me what I'm thinking...

I also charge only $3.99 per minute.

..

Greatest Movie Ever Made

Big Trouble in Little China


And it begins. The greatest story ever told. If your padre told you it was the bible, he was wrong.


Egg Chen shows us the power of the Blue Flame! Buuuuurritos!
or
To get rid of static cling, ancient Chinese secret.
(I try)


The movie goes like this: Some ancient horny Chinese magician gets three runner ups from Iron Chef to kidnap a girl with green eyes because she wouldn't shut up. A clueless white guy and his sidekick, a kung fu master, set out to rescue the obnoxious woman. On the way we get to see guns, martial arts, magic, monsters, and girls. Seems like a foolproof formula for success to me.


I feel good, and I'm not scared at all. I just feel kind of.. kind of invincible. Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?


Jack Burton had some cajones. He was going to take on Thunder (the guy flexing above) armed with just an ornamental balsa wood spear.


Lo Pan. The greatest mofo the world has ever known. Darth who? Lo Pan makes baby Jesus cry.