The Concise Abridged Cliffnotes Summary of Movies

Odd, but when I did a search on Yahoo.. for "cool movies," it kept asking me if I meant "cool gay movies."


Bourne Identity: Remake of Jackie Chan's Who Am I?


Conan: Half naked bad a$$ killing Darth Vader with a big sword.


Demolition Man: They got the idea for the lame San Angeles from NY's ban of trans-fat.


Escape from New York: Accurate documentary of NYC circa 1980.


5th Element: Cabbie Harry Canyon saves the world. Again.


Formula 51: It's fake.


The Professional (aka Leon): Retard with a gun saves Queen Amidala


Over the Top: . . . they beat me to it.


The Patriot: Anti-semite also hates WASPs.


Point Break: You would think Neo, Dalton, and Tank Girl could make a winner using surfing and guns. You would think...


Ronin: De Niro is the man! But what's in the case?


Starship Troopers: 3,406,105 rounds fired. Three hit. Neil Patrick Harris as Fuehrer Doogie Hauser MD.


Top Gun: Scientologist shooting down French armed bad guys while flying his Tomkat.


The Warriors: Another award-winning documentary of the Big Apple.


Witness: I don't know why people want to fuk with the Amish. Leave them be.


12 Angry Men: Twelve angry men in 1 room. Not guilty.


Boogie Nights: Girls, save time and just skip to the last scene.


Contact: The world spends $100 Gajillion so Jodie can visit her father.


Lord of the Flies: True story of Mrs. Klein's 5th grade field trip gone bad.


Pearl Harbor: Couldn't think of a more romantic setting for a love story than the carnage after the Day That Will Live in Infamy.


Seven Years in Tibet: Tyler Durden goes to Nepal to start a fight club. He gets whooped by the Dalai Lama.

or

So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald, striking. So I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one. Big hitter, the Lama. Long. Into a 10,000 foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama said? Gunga galunga. Gunga, gungagalunga. So we finish the 18th and he's going to stiff me. And I say, "hey Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that going for me, which is nice.


Stand By Me: Kids without Playstation.. will find dead bodies to play with.


Dogma: If Christianity was this fun, I would convert.


Falling Down: This was listed as a comedy. I guess a man having a breakdown and going on a murder spree can be humorous. hehe.


Fast Times at Ridgemont High: Anthem of the 80's high school student. Phoebe Cates' boobs = 10.


Friday: Chris Tucker is annoying.


Monty Python and the Holy Grail: If you can name one movie quote from this movie, you are a nerd. Don't ask how many I know.


Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back: Kevin Smith movies rock. Except for Chasing Amy.


Rush Hour: Chris Tucker is still annoying.


Zapped!: X-men using their powers wisely.