A Manly Blank

So I'm sitting here blank again.



It's odd. I change my life routine and all of a sudden I get writer's block. I can't think of shit to write.



Maybe I should write about happy things. Things that make me smile.



Maybe describing the colors of a rainbow.



Or maybe magical fairies.



Oh wait. Bad idea. Man, that was so gay.



OK, time for some anti-gay karma. Maybe I should think of stuff like Movies for Guys Who Like Movies. Tough guys stuff. That should make me manly.



Maybe I could put together some kind of special group of tough guys. These guys would represent all that is testosterone and sweat.

We could start with a burly construction worker.



Add in a cowboy. Cowboys like William Muny rule.



We should include a cop. To serve and protect. It's a tough job.



A noble savage would match too.



Oh oh. And a rough and tough marine.



And a biker. Can't get more male than a biker.



Put them all together and you'd have the dream team all-star lineup of men, right?



Shit. Guess I missed on that one.

Let me try this again.

Let's take Blade, the vampire killer.



Add in Dalton from Roadhouse.



And the drug lord, Victor Rosa.



We're surely to get a hairy-chested macho movie, right?



DAMMIT!

OK, one last try.

Mad Max, the post-apocalyptic Road Warrior. Drives a souped up car and beats the crap out of mohawked bad guys.



Also shaves his legs and waxes.



FUDGE!

I give up.

In Response to the Critics

Just for the record, I'm not gay. However, it's been so long since I had a relationship, I will consider homosexuality a plan B.

This reminds me of a true story:

One day, several years ago, I found myself shopping in Border's Books.



I picked up a few DVDs and magazines and proceeded to the queue.



Hark! Lo and behold, there was a very sexy girl at one of the registers. Mmmmm boy.



I sweated bullets while I counted the people standing before me in the queue. Would I be lucky enough to get the cutie's register? Would I have the guts to say anything? I basically panicked like any geek should.



Yes! I'm the next person in line. I'm going to be helped next, and the pretty girl is about to finish her sale. I am a WINNER!



"Can I help the next person in line," the girl said in a sweet, baritone voice. Baritone? Huh? I stepped up and took a closer look. Egads!



I was checking out a guy!

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Those little phuckers...

This is the kind of stuff I have to put up with at work:

Over the weekend, I thought about changing my wardrobe. I looked into the possibility of wearing long-sleeve dress shirts and possibly ties. I figured it would really throw the kids for a loop, and it would also make me look like the professional I pretend to be. Luckily I decided to forgo the tie. It gets really, really hot where I work.



So I walk into school wearing my black Dockers and a light blue dress shirt. Every single kid I passed had the same question.

"Are you going to a funeral?"



Out here in the toenail of the United States, the number one occasion for dressing up is a funeral. It's normally too hot to wear dress shirts unless you work in air conditioned heaven all day. Even the government officials and politicians wear aloha wear.

The other day some girls were talking about who they liked during recess. I try to pay attention to these things for three reasons. One, it helps you deal with social problems if you know who likes who. Two, the kids build a better relationship with you if you show interest in their lives. And three, I'm just plain nosy.

Girl: Hey Mr. Nonwheezer. You're always asking about who we like, but you don't seem to be interested in getting a girlfriend.

Mr. Nonwheezer: Actually I am interested. It's just that girls aren't interested in me.

Boy: Of course girls would be interested in Mr. Nonwheezer. He has a motorcycle. If I had a motorcycle, I would be checking out all the chicks.

Mr. Nonwheezer: You do realize that all the girls around me are thirteen, right?

Boy: SO?

Girl: We're 12.

Mr. Nonwheezer: sigh...



Today I was giving directions on making bibliographies. I had been speaking a lot that day, so I may not have been speaking as clear as I normally do.

A girl in the front said, "Hey Mr. Nonwheezer. You sound gay when you talk like that."

sigh...



The other day in computer class, I was describing parts of the computer and passing around hardware samples. A kid asked, "is it ok to lick the circuit boards?"



This week my grades were due. I explained to the kids the grading system I used. Of course I joked about it at first saying that my favorite students got A's.

"Except this girl. This girl is not one of my favorites, yet she still got an A. However, she has the capability to become one of my greatest students. But right now she's like Darth Vader..." I was cut off before I could finish.

The girl I was speaking about asked rather abruptly, "who the fuck is Darth Vader?"

"Darth Vader! I mean, come on. Darth Vader! Star Wars? Back in the 70s there were huge lines to see the first movie? Hello?"

A smart alec boy responded with a smug voice, "you mean the FOURTH movie."

...



Mr. Nonwheezer: OK kids, this here is a flash drive. This is my personal flash drive, so don't break it. You break it, you have to buy me a new one. They're really expensive. I think this one would be about $19 now."

Boy: Nineteen dollars isn't that much. But then again, with the size of your paycheck, $19 would be expensive.

Mr. Nonwheezer: gee. thanks...



The funny thing is that all of this happened in one week. While teaching can really suck, with the stupid paperwork, the ridiculous laws, the unrealistic expectations, the low pay, etc, it's these little gems that keep the job interesting. I don't think you'll find as many candid little quips in any other job.

And how can you not get a kick out of teaching when a girl digs through your desk to find your toy stash then shouts across the room, "Mr. Nonwheezer, can I play with your balls?"