One night, out of the blue, a girl calls and asks:
"Do you have a foreskin?"
Another girl on a Sunday evening:
"Are you in your pajamas?"
"No. You know I don't have pajamas."
"So you're naked?"
It was a roundabout way of asking if I would go to the bar.
She also asked, "are you on the toilet?"
"No. If I was dropping a log, I wouldn't have answered my phone."
"I would. Haha. Just kidding."
If I was dating these girls, then those questions would be a lot more fun, but I'm not, so they just leave me confused.
From The Blues Brothers
Jake: It's good to see you, sweetheart.
Mystery Woman: You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.
[Jake falls to his knees] Jake: Oh, please, don't kill us. Please, please don't kill us. You know I love you baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault.
Mystery Woman: You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.
Jake: No I didn't. Honest... I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.
[Elwood covers his head in anticipation of more gunfire, Jake removes his sunglasses to make a wordless appeal, and the Mystery Woman visibly softens] Mystery Woman: Oh, Jake... Jake, honey...
[Jake embraces the Mystery Woman and they kiss] Jake: [to Elwood] Let's go.
[He drops the Mystery Woman and walks off]
I know how the woman felt. Well, not exactly. At least the woman got some made up excuses. I got nothing.
If you read the previous posts, you know that I was trying to get a date with a pharmacist. How did it go during the last month and a half? That's what I'd like to know. You see, I got absolutely NOTHING from the pharmacist.
Of course I could probably use a slap on the head for some of the idiot moves I pulled. I left some terrible voice mail on her phone.
"Hi (name withheld), this is Squiggy again. I know I left you a few other voicemails, but the truth is, I'd actually like to get to know you better. I don't know what it is; maybe because you're an intelligent lady, or maybe because you play video games. I'm a video game um... geek too. (The Band Teacher) told me about it. Anyway, yeah. Um, so I want to get to know you. Maybe take you to lunch, or dinner, or uh shopping? So um, yeah. I hope to hear back from you. My number is 867-5309. Yeah."
I also sent her a virus plushie with a note to try and entice her to reply to me.
Still no reply. It's times like this when I feel like the Elephant Man. Why the fuck is it so hard to get a first date? At this point, I really don't even care for the date. I'd just like to know why the pharmacist never bothered to reply. Could it be she thinks I'm some psycho stalker? Maybe. But we did meet in person a few times, and that was cordial. Could it be she's some narcistic ego maniac? I'd like to think so. Makes it hurt less when the bitch is off her rocker.
Bottom line, Girls, if a guy works up the balls to ask you out, just give him an answer. Doesn't matter if it's positive or negative. Just answer. If not, I will hunt you down and cut your heart out with a spoon.
Guy of Gisborne: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's DULL, you twit. It'll hurt more.
A couple of weeks ago, the Band Teacher introduced me to one of her friends. We'll call her the Pharmacist. I found her to be rather cute and intelligent. However, me being me, I didn't make any advances.
Of course, you need to remember that every woman I found myself attracted to has some serious issue. Two girls turned out to be lesbians. Another turned out to be really a guy.
Anyway, the Band Teacher and I went to the movies last night. I was hoping the Pharmacist would come, but seeing as we were going to the last show, it was a long shot. Throughout the evening, while shopping and eating, I kept bringing up the Pharmacist. This kind of grated the Band Teacher's nerves. She was like, "just go over to her work place and ask her to lunch. Some girls actually like the spontaneity."
BTW, this is making me excited:
So after about 10 hours of convincing, I decided I would ask the Pharmacist to lunch. I got up this morning, stoked my courage, and drove to the mall. I went in to the pharmacy.
Me: Hi, is **** working?
Helen, my brother's co-worker's wife: No, not yet. She works the evening shift today.
Me: Figures. I was going to ask her to lunch.
God: (chuckles)
Helen: Oh, that's nice! She should be in soon. Why don't you come back and ask?
I go off to another store to buy shoes for my trip. I return to the pharmacy about 40 minutes later. Lucky me, I see the Pharmacist working at the window, so I don't have to announce my intentions to everyone working.
So I chatted with the Pharmacist for a bit. I made her laugh a few times. Then I took the leap.
Me: I came by here earlier looking for you. I wanted to ask you to lunch.
Pharmacist: Oh. I just got in about a half hour ago. I don't get a break for about 4 hours. (The clock in the store reads 11:55)
Me: So what is that, like 5? (wtf? All of a sudden I can't do math.)
Pharmacist: About 3:45-4:00. I'll call you. You have a cellphone?
Me: Yeah. My number is ***-****.
Pharmacist: OK. I'll give you a call.
God: (mutter mutter)
Given I had time to kill, I figured I would do more shopping, and also go to lunch with my brother. Of course, I only ate a wee bit. I had to buy some shorts since I only have two everyday shorts and I don't think running shorts would look good in Connecticut. I also planned on buying a new bike seat, and a Green Day CD that the Band Teacher was looking for.
Right after I picked out a pair of shorts, my phone rang.
Pharmacist: Hey, my co-worker can't come in today, so I need to take my lunch early before the others finish work. I'm just going to grab something here. Sorry.
God: Haha! Take that, ya fukker! (pumping fist in the air)
Then the sky blackened and the clouds opened. Torrents of rain came crashing down. Squiggy knelt on the ground, soaking wet, with outstretched arms reaching for the heavens screaming, "Why?!? Wwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy?!?"
Riley and I had about two and a half hours to kill on the mountain so we decided to make yet another mtb video. God knows my mtb videos are sooooo popular. They get literally hundred of hits on youtube. (sarcasm)
I bet if I got video of those girls in boyshorts that we saw earlier, the hits would go through the roof.
"OK. The tip comes out to $4.0125. Rounded off, that makes it $4.01. Now we divide that by three. . ."
Eight minutes later, Biker Teacher found himself at the motel diner's cashier. He handed the cashier his check card and waited while she rang up his tab. Out of the corner of his eye, Biker Teacher spotted a woman approaching him. Fast. He figured that at her elevated rate of speed, if she didn't stop soon, she would collide into him. A klaxon sounded in his head. All hands, brace for impact.
The woman didn't stop. She didn't even slow down.
Bang.
"Biker Teacher, long time no see," the woman said.
"Fearsome Sweetie! Hey, I was wondering who this woman was coming at me at ramming speed," Biker Teacher replied. He turned around for a second to sign his bill, then faced the encroaching female once again.
"I didn't know you were back on the island," Fearsome Sweetie said.
"Been back since 2000." It might have been 1999, but 2000 was an easier number to blurt out without thinking. Biker Teacher hugged Fearsome Sweetie.
"Really? Wow. So what have you been up to?" Fearsome Sweetie asked while keeping her body well within Biker Teacher's personal space.
"I've been teaching at Ass Crack Middle. Can you believe that?"
Fearsome Sweetie laughed. "I can't believe I haven't seen you around."
"I don't drink much, so I don't get out much," Biker Teacher said with a smile.
"I don't drink either. Hey, this is my friend Dar. Dar, this is my classmate, Biker Teacher." Biker Teacher shook Dar's hand while Fearsome Sweetie remain close. "So have you talked to Nicks?"
"Actually, yes. I had both of her kids as students."
"That must have been interesting," Fearsome Sweetie said with a smile. Biker Teacher remembered that during high school, he used to be afraid of Fearsome Sweetie. Now she never did anything to him to deserve that fear. In fact, she was a rather pleasant person. Biker Teacher just developed a sweetie-phobia because Fearsome Sweetie had a very rough exterior. However, her smile today was genuinely pretty.
And that's when Biker Teacher realized that Fearsome Sweetie was well inside his personal bubble, and it made him feel awkward since he was not used to having pretty women so close by. Well, at least not women of legal age anyway.
"You know, if you're going to stand so close to me, I may end up suggesting that we get a room. We are in a motel, after all," Biker Teacher attempted to be funny.
"Oh really?" Fearsome Sweetie laughed.
"Yup. I could just put the room on my credit card and earn airline miles."
"Biker, Biker, Biker. Tsk tsk. Have you forgotten me already?"
"Eh?"
"Biker, if you remembered me," Fearsome Sweetie started giggling, "you would know that I don't give a flying fuck."
Hi boys and girls. I had planned on writing another installment of Biker Teacher last week. Biker Teacher ended up being designated a van driver for a state teacher conference. He also managed to get lost not only going to the conference, but also heading back to the airport. To make things more interesting, there was another teacher with the same name (Bikher Teacher), though different gender, from a school with a similar name. Biker Teacher's school is Ass Crack Middle. Bikher's is Ass Part Intermediate. Funny, no?
But I decided to not write. Instead, I've become engrossed in a new game. I'm playing Lord of the Rings Online. Yes, I'm a nerd.
To keep you occupied, I've made a video of our regular weekend mountain bike run. The first person footage is me. The third person stuff is Rat.
After we were done riding, and were eating lunch, Big Brother mentioned something to the group. He said, "you wouldn't think it from looking at him, but Nonwheezer used to night dive."
Yup. I used to speardive/freedive at night. Yes, it was dark. Yes, I killed fish. And yes, I've seen many sharks. A lot of people would be afraid to jump into the ocean at night. I guess that makes me a little less nerdy.
How was your weekend? I had a hillbilly ho-down of a weekend myself.
My friends, Riley and Lornette, and my classmate, Sherri, and I got together on Friday night for a pizza dinner. I guess eating one of the most fattiest foods around (and most delicious) is a good idea when three people are dieting. The pizzeria of choice? Brick Oven. mmmmmmm. I can feel my gravity increasing, but it tastes sooo good.
I was hoping to reconnect ties to those I knew in my younger years. I'm realizing that I lost contact with those I grew up with. The only one I've keep in close contact with lives a couple of blocks away from me, and tends to scratch his private parts in public places.
So I was hoping to have a fun night with Sherri. But isn't life funny? Earlier that day I had an incident with a student. I pretty much screwed up, and it put me in a downer mood the whole weekend. So instead of the happy-go-lucky Biker Teacher-type character, I think I turned out to be something more akin to an undertaker. Sherri, on the other hand, is still rather attractive and full of energy. Seems like she burns the candle at both ends, but she does this by choice. Mistress of her own destiny and all that.
(yeah, I'm going to catch hell for that pic)
Boy did I screw up though. I sometimes type my name in Yahoo and see what kind of webpages come up. Apparently I'm some kind of stage actor or play director or something. Just for kicks, I typed in Sherri's name to see what came up. (No, I was not looking for nude pictures... yet) A photographer website popped up. There were some black and white scenery pictures accredited to Sherri. Unfortunately, when I tried to ask her about this, I came off as a pervert stalker. Sigh. Pervert, I can live with. Stalker? Ack!
At that point, I decided the best course of action was to just shut up and drink a beer.
And another.
The next day I got to ride my Marin on the Kokee trails. It was the official test of my new frame. I must say that I am pleased with the purchase. The bike handles much better than the old X6. However, I'm still sketchy on the Cable section- a steep, slippery, downhill.
Our normal mtb rides consist of two 4 mile downhill runs. Although it's downhill, the Kokee trails are very difficult, and also includes a few tough, big climbs. It's not a trail for the weak. Screw up and you can go falling down a cliff. The trail also starts at 2500 feet elevation.
For the last few months, I've been the only one to ride the rough sections on both runs. The other guys use the paved road to bypass the difficult uphill sections. I, on the other hand, seem to be a glutton for punishment.
Or is it because they're avoiding me? Great. Perverted-Paranoid-Stalker. It keeps getting better.
Date: May 5, 2007 Soundtrack: Queen - Bicycle Race
Don't need to watch the video. Just listen to the music to set the mood.
I'd decided to get a new bike. My Haro X6 was an ok bike to begin with, but as I gained experience riding, I learned that it was not the bike I needed. You see, the X6's geometry matches other brands' XC bikes. XC bikes have aggressive head angles and short wheelbases to encourage quick turns. They usually have about 4" of suspension travel, and most people use them on smoother trails or dirt roads. However, Waimea Canyon trails are a lot more difficult than a dirt road. I always felt my bike was a bit unstable on the tough stuff.
Ouch. Actually, I only scraped my elbows. I was more embarrassed than hurt.
Riley, Kyle, and Will use freeride/downhill bikes. Their bikes have 7+" of suspension travel to soak up large hits. They also have long wheelbases and slack head angles for stability on the downhill slopes. I've ridden their bikes, and I could notice the stability right away.
But I still crash. But that's not the point.
Kyle's bike felt battleship-stable on the downhills, but turned a little too slow for me. I had to slow down a lot on the fast singletrack sections of the trail. I also crashed his bike by riding way over my head. I ended up unconscious while my so-called friends took pictures.
Riley's bike also felt great. But even with his $1200 downhill fork, I struggled to turn. I went wide on a few turns on the fast sections of the trail. Now my crash on Riley's bike was a freak accident. A branch got stuck in the spokes. I'll show you the mark on my ribs from the pungee sticks if you ask.
I decided I needed a true All-Mountain bike.
Alas, we teachers don't make much money. So instead of getting a complete bike that would cost $2000, I bought a frame for $500. Since I already had upgraded parts on the Haro, I could transfer those parts to the new frame and get good performance.
This is the Marin Rock Springs. It's a 6" travel frame designed to handle rougher trails than the X6. This picture was taken right when the frame arrived. Riley couldn't wait to touch things. If you ever take him for a ride in your car, he will touch every single control he can get his hands on. I'm not sure if it's ADHD or OCD.
Now because Riley makes $60-80k a year doing nothing but complaining, tuning bikes, and building ladder bridges, my bike was 90% complete in 2 hours. He likes to say that he's the hardest working guy around, but if that was true, my bike would still be in pieces.
And here it is. Almost totally complete. Only one part could not transfer from the X6 to the Marin.
The front derailleur. This is the part that moves the chain across the different front sprockets.
So off we went to Bicycle Johns.
It was Saturday. Riley is at the drag races, and I'm getting over a cold. So instead of riding, Kyle, Satoshi, and I went to the local bike shop to get the cables needed to finish my bike. (We didn't get the derailleur yet. Didn't figure it out until later.) Satoshi must have been hating life since my car is a no smoking zone. I quit smoking several years back. Yay me. I've taken up being an asshole instead. Trade one nasty habit for another, I say.
After picking up the parts we needed, Satoshi suggested we get some lunch.
I wanted to go inside to order, but Kyle insisted we go through the drive thru. Great idea. Let's make someone who is coughing and sounds like a frog order through a crap microphone.
Things went bad from the start. The car in front of me was a generic-too-big-to-be-useful-diesel-gigantosaurus-mobile-penis. I couldn't move far enough forward to get right to the mic. I had to project my feeble voice like the fat lady in the opera.
Me: What do you guys want?
Them: Don't know.
KFC: Hellow, welkum two kay ef see. Can eye take yor ordur plees?
Me: So what do you guys want?
Them: Don't know yet.
KFC: Can eye take yor ordur plees?
Me: Um.
Satoshi: Ask if they have that bowl stuff.
Me: Do you guys have that bowl stuff?
KFC: Dee kay ef see bole. Yes.
Me: OK, can I get one of those?
KFC: Wood yoo lik dee meel?
Me: OK.
KFC: Wat kine ov dreenk?
Satoshi: Diet Coke.
Me: Diet Coke.
KFC: No more die et koke. Die et pepschi?
Me: OK. Kyle, what do you want?
Kyle: Get me a 10 piece hot wings.
Me: There's no 10 piece. Only 6 or 18.
Kyle: Six.
Satoshi: Get me six too.
Me: Can we also get 2... 3... 18 pieces of hot wings?
KFC: No more dee hot weengs. Eets a ten meenut weight.
Kyle: Ah, just get the bowl.
Me: OK, make that three bowls altogether.
Satoshi: And two snackers.
Me: And two Snackers.
KFC: Tank yoo four yor ordur. Plees dribe fourward.
(I drive to the next window)
KFC: asdhjaksh tyhe dkiea dreenk?
Me: What?
KFC: asdhjaksh tyhe dkiea dreenk?
Kyle: Diet Pepsi.
Me: Diet Pepsi.
I hate drive thrus.
So we get to Kyle's workplace and eat. I get to see my bike for the first time. It looks really cool in person. Kyle routed the cables and removed the front derailleur so that the bike was usable. I rode that sucker around with an ear to ear grin. It feels more stable and plush than the X6. The front wheel feels slightly farther in front, which should add some confidence on the steep downhills. While the bike feel more stable, it still turns quick. The suspension even works like the magazine reviews said. It rolls over bumps without kicking you up. Of course this is just a test ride in an industrial zone. I can't wait to try it out on the trails. The amazing thing is that even though the suspension is plush enough for a smooth ride, there is no pedal bob. I'm hoping I will be able to tackle the steep hills without having to push the bike.
