Oh I've been to Indiana with a banjo on my knee...

Cast (in order of appearance):
Girlfriend - Botany Babe
Mom - Milly
Botany Babe's little sister - Air
Social Studies Teacher - Scuba Steve
Botany Babe's younger sister - Southern Drawl
Brother in law - One Step
Neice - The Offspring


My girlfriend, Botany Babe, always goes back home to Indiana for Christmas and this year I decided to follow her.

So it started with this:


An early Christmas present. It was thermal underwear and wool socks. Sweet!

The day finally arrived for me to leave Hawaii. BB was already in Indiana for a week, and I was Jonesing to see her.

This was Lihue Airport, Kauai. Note the green tropical plants.



Then this was Honolulu International.





The stupid Pizza Hut Express ran out of pepperonis. How the hell can a pizza place run out of pepperoni in the middle of the afternoon?

My flight would take me from HNL to Chicago Ohare non-stop. That's one long trip, and I wasn't really looking forward to it. To make things even better, when I got to my seat on the plane, I found an old man in my spot. Meh. I figured I'd leave him the window seat since I may end up getting up to use the bathroom a few times. I should have known better.

Across the aisle sat the old guy's wife. She insisted on calling out to her husband several times during the flight. It wouldn't have been too bad if she had a pleasant voice, but no. My luck isn't that good. She had a nasally, whiny, old Chicago-lady voice.

"Fre--------------d," she would whine in an extremely annoying voice. I took it upon myself to do as much as I could to convey messages to Fred in order to shut the old lady up.

I landed in Chicago with only an hour of sleep. Fricking old people. Fred kept snuggling up to me. Ugh! But Chicago Ohare looked very festive.



Then I looked out the window.



Fuck me! You see all that white stuff around the aircraft? That's snow. That's what happens when God says, "fuckit," and decided not to turn on the furnace in your neck of the woods. It was -7 degrees F.

To make matters worse, my flight to Indianapolis was on a small regional plane. The plane was so small that the jetway couldn't go all the way to the door. There was a 6 foot span from the jetway to the plane that used a plank. We had to cross this plank... in -7 degree weather... with 25mph gusts... brrrrr. the only protection I had against the elements was a hooded sweatshirt. It failed as soon as I stepped on the jetway.

At the end of the jetway, I found another guy, equally cool, huddled in a corner. "I'm waiting for the entrance to clear. I'm not gonna stand out in this weather." So we waited until the entrance cleared then did a scramble to get inside the aircraft.

Once inside, I found my seat. It was a small plane with 1X2 seating. I was seated by myself, without any Freds around. Life was good. The other passengers boarded and we were set to go. I sent a txt message to BB that we boarded on time and it looks like everything would go as scheduled.

Then the ground crew decided it was a good time to change the oil in the engines. Oh, they also mixed up the baggage so they had to waste time fixing that. Oh, and they had to deice the plane. I didn't notice any of the delays since I fell asleep, at peace, without Fred.

Forty-five minutes after our arrival time, we landed in Indiana.



My first views of Indianapolis.



Botany Babe's family home.



What's a furnace?



In an earlier blog entry about my trip to Minnesota, I had Machu Pichu's graduation photo. Yes, the one with her punk hair. This time, I found BB's grad photo. Screams "Hot Nerd" if you ask me. I love it.



BB introduced me to her mom. "Mom, he wants to know what to call you," BB asked.

"Well. Let's start with Milly for now until you tie the knot."

Heh. No pressure, eh?

Later that evening, BB and I were cuddling on the couch. Milly came out and took a picture of us. She reviewed the picture on her camera view finder. "Hmmm. It looked like she closed her eyes, but with him, I can't tell."



Steak N Shake, for you fans.



The next day we went out to Grandma's. Luckily it was no longer single-digit degree weather. It was 20 degrees. This is a fire. It's used to make things warm.



BB's little sister, Air, was the resident pyromaniac.



A local boy from Hawaii hiking in 20 degree weather.



Scuba Steve always wanted to be a Mallard Duck when he grew up.



This is the Cracker Barrel. Awesome pancakes. Huge breakfast menu. Smokey restaurant. They had a fireplace, and the smoke was coming into the restaurant instead of going up the chimney. Hickory smoked Nonwheezer.



The next day it was about 30 degrees. We encountered freezing rain when we had to bring BB's cousin to the airport.



Of course, freezing rain isn't too much of a problem if your car has a good defroster. Unfortunately, the defroster wasn't working right. No matter how much I tried to move the slider, the defroster wouldn't come on. So we had to stop a few times to scrape the ice off the windshield.



Then about 5 minutes from home, we started getting really hot inside the car. BB asked, "isn't there some other setting you could use to get the heat off our feet?"

I took a look. Wow! What do you know? The vent controls were buttons, not sliders. I was playing with the wrong thing the whole time we were out driving. One push of a button and the defroster came on. The windshield cleared in a few seconds. Our feet cooled down. BB gave me a look, but said nothing. She's great at not calling me an idiot even though it's implied.

My first encounter with butter nut squash.



Back at Grandma's for Christmas Eve. This time BB's maternal side of the family would be there, including her sister, Southern Drawl. Southern Drawl also brought along her husband, One Step, and their daughter, The Offspring. BB loved playing with The Offspring.



Great hiding spot.



Big dinner. Grandma makes a kick ass ham. I think she slow cooks it for four days.



After dinner, we headed for Midnight Mass. Here's BB with her brother. The whole family kept teasing him about his hair.



Last month, BB warned me that we would be attending mass. I joked that it would be easy to find me since I would be the only Asian in the church. Heh. Turned out I was right. As soon as I walked through the door, all eyes were on me. I think they knew who the heathen was.



They keep Baby Jesus locked behind bars in jail. Religion is a dangerous thing.



The next day we visited BB's paternal side of the family. Can you believe they could squeeze 200 people into this house?



"Mom. Dad. This is Larry Kroeger, the boy who molested me last month. We HAVE to get married."



Most evenings we would stay up late and chat with Air. One night while chatting, I leaned over and gave BB a big kiss. BB laughed and turned to Air. "I'm sorry Air. I know you don't like affection."

"But you do it ALL the time! You're soooo weird," Air exclaimed.

That became our catchphrase the rest of the trip.

Here's a parking structure at Purdue. This is where One Step proposed to Southern Drawl.



Purdue. If you clap in this circle, you'll hear a chirp for an echo.









We went out to eat with One Step and Southern Drawl at the Applebee's in this mall.



At the end of dinner, the waiter brought the tab. He took it upon himself to split the tabs. One Step looked them over and noticed they weren't correct. After a short discussion, we figured it out. "I know how he split it," I said. "All the non-whites are on one tab. (singing) One of these people are not like the others. One of these people doesn't belong..."

One Step called the waiter over and pointed out the mistake. The waiter apologized and went to fix the error. He returned and the new tabs were exactly like the old ones. We gave up and just sorted out the money amongst ourselves.

Right after dinner, BB and I walked to a nearby jewelry store. The salesgirl politely asked, "is there anything I can help you with?"

I held BB and said, "yes. We HAVE to get married in 7 months..."

The salesgirl looked speechless. BB spoke up. "He's kidding." They both laughed, and we started to look at the diamond jewelry.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the time is now 9:00 and the mall will be closing," said the disembodied voice on the PA.

"What? The mall is closing," I asked a saleslady. She replied in the affirmative. I took BB by the arm and said, "well tough luck, Babe. I guess you don't get anything." And we headed out the door.

"No no. We can stay open a bit longer. You have a brochure? Come back tomorrow, OK?" The saleslady tripped all over herself trying to make a sale. We had a nice chuckle as we left the mall.

Oh, the Adventure Follies people were hoping it would be cold and snowy while I was in Indiana to make up for all the times I spent the winter warm in Hawaii. Too bad for them it just got warmer and warmer the longer I stayed. It eventually hit 67 degrees.



We watched a movie about gay vampires.



BB's Purdue friend had a huge home. Her basement was larger than most people's houses. This is her closet.



And her bathroom. I love the shower.





BB's favorite relative and the maker of the best ham in the world.



Air found a knitting machine then spent the next 47 hours playing with it.



Abigail! The first day I arrived, this dog wouldn't come near me. Later, this dog wouldn't stay away. This dog would rather play with me than with BB. And she got these huge, soulful eyes. Cute dog. I wish we could take her home.



On the last day, BB passed out on the couch after lunch and slept for three hours. I think two weeks of Christmas activities caught up with her.



Indiana International. A new airport.



With a great view of the rising sun.



LAX.



We had a two hour layover in LAX, so my childhood rascal friend and his girlfriend came out to meet us. They were actually in Hawaii while I was in Indiana. He came over to visit me and was surprised I was in the mainland. Luckily he returned to LA the morning we were passing through, so we could all meet.

His girlfriend is a living saint. She must have infinite patience to cope with his wild and crazy antics. I heard she won his heart by buying him garbage bags for his apartment.



Our adventure ended on New Year's Eve. Botany Babe is no longer my girlfriend.

Political Fun Raiser

Nonwheezer's Mom: I volunteered Botany Babe and Machu Pichu for Kouchi's fund raiser.

Nonwheezer: uh... OK.

Botany Babe: No problem. I can help out.

Nonwheezer's Mom: Call Machu Pichu later and let her know.

That was a month ago.

This past Sunday, the three of us (BB, MP, and I) headed over to Kilohana to help out at Councilman Ron Kouchi's fundraiser. It wasn't a bad deal. We got free dinner and t-shirts for the effort. That, plus it was pretty fun.



Well, it may not look it, but MP really did enjoy herself. As long as there are lots of people around, she can enjoy anything. Even a prostate exam... and she's female.

If you're new to Hawaii, you may have heard of the traditional luau. I'm not sure if this night qualified since I've never been to a touristy luau before. But if you're ever invited to a local-style party luau, this is what you'll get...



Mac Salad. This can come in various varieties. The top end versions have onions, potatoes, carrots, peas, relish, and eggs mixed in. I think our version just had peas.



Lomi Lomi Salmon. This was the real stuff. Many times you'll go to a luau and only get lomi lomi tomato. The cheap stuff leave out the salmon.



White Rice. Get used to it. No one eats Hawaiian food with mashed taters.



Chicken Long Rice. Rice noodles with chicken, onion, and a bit of green leafy stuff.



And the main dish: Kalua Pig. Traditional kalua pig was slow cooked in an underground oven. I'm not sure how this one was made, but it was good.



MP was on mac salad.

I was on lomi lomi salmon.



BB was on rice.

Someone-whose-name-I-do-not-know was on the chicken long rice.

Nonwheezer's Mom was on the kalua pig.







After an hour of serving, we were relieved and allowed to eat. We served ourselves, so we made sure we got nice, big portions. After eating, I almost convinced BB to dance with me on stage with the live band. (I'm kidding.)

Fantasy Island... for cheap.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

How was your Labor Day weekend?

It's not like I really care to know. I'm just asking so that I can talk about my weekend and gloat.

Yup, I had a great time. Pretty close to a Fantasy Island type mini-vacation. In fact, when it was over, I felt almost like Edward Anderton and Jocelyn Kirsch. If you don't know who they are, they are the young, attractive couple that ran an identity-fraud scheme. They stole the identities of their friends and neighbors, and used stolen funds to vacation in Hawaii, London, and Paris. But unlike them, I actually paid a little bit using my own money.

So what did my Fantasy Island weekend look like?

How about three nights in a million-dollar home. This house was located on a really lush hillside. My favorite part of the house was a former patio. It had been enclosed and made into an extension of the living/dining room. The walls were nearly all glass windows, and the room was surrounded by beautiful, large, green trees. It was like you could step out of the dining room and into a tropical rainforest. The rain at night added to the ambiance. That, and the house had great lighting with dimmer switches located everywhere to provide romantic mood lighting.

After spending the first night there, Botany Babe and I had brunch at a well established local restaurant that served good food with quick service and low prices. We had Quarter Pounder Meals.

Later that day, I went mountain biking. BB continued working on decorating an envelop box for a wedding. I may be biased, but I think she has great talent for decorating. She made a shit-ugly fishing box look like a present for the princess of Xanadu.

Then we met up at the $$$ House for our second night. This time, we spent the evening watching a classic movie on a 60 inch TV. You've never really experienced home theater until you've heard Jay say, "All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob," on a stereo surround sound system.

The next day BB went to church and I got to ride my motorcycle. BB got to show off her box (don't be thinking that about my girl) to her aunt, who then showered her with praise.

The third night went well. We got lots of sleep since we didn't have to be anywhere in the morning. We got out of bed at 9:30 instead of the usual 6:00. After washing up, we headed off to the mall.

We had an Asian style lunch. Very exotic. And reasonably priced too. (It was a Korean BBQ place) Then we went shopping. We didn't buy much, but we pretended we were big spenders. We looked at jewelry, and shoes, and pretty dresses. In the end, it's no fun to be in a mall without spending money, so we bought some tape and gum. Unfortunately, we ended up behind two old ladies at the register. It took us 15 minutes to get out of that store.

Once free of that retail establishment, we headed off to a spa located in a plantation-style resort. We got a couples massage... mmmm... It's a great feeling having someone rub your naked body for an hour. After that, we were feeling nice and mellow, so we laid in a hammock by the sea. It was the resort's hammock, and we weren't guests of the resort, but who cares? We enjoyed a nice hour cuddling to the sounds of waves crashing on shore.

Before we got too cozy, we headed off to yet another house we would never be able to afford. This one was located a bit off the beaten path. It was decorated with a classic touristy-adventurer theme. It was like a South Pacific movie poster. The house also had a great view. It overlooked about a mile of coffee fields with a clear view of the ocean.

But the real treat was the outdoor shower. BB and I were still slick with massage lotion on our bodies, so we hopped in the shower. Imagine a beautiful vine covered lava rock walled shower. There was very little wind, blue skies, and lots of hot water. I didn't want to get out.

And to finish off the great weekend, we ate free homestyle cooking courtesy of my mom. Heh.

PS: MPS and BiL, Machu Pichu tried to trick me into working for her at the farm fair. I didn't fall for it.

Beautiful Memory

and I said, "I really loved this weekend with you, in the outdoor shower. The warm water splashing on us. The blue sky above us. The gentle breeze. The vine covered lava rock walls. The sweet smelling shampoos. The naked bodies slippery with soap. And you pointing out the pimple on my back."

Dinner X3 with a Movie

Last time I tried to cook dinner for Botany Babe, it came out bland... a fact she has never let me forget. So to redeem myself, I vowed to cook her a good meal.

But first, there was a movie to see.

BB: Hey, what do you want to do tonight?

Nonwheezer: I don't know. Maybe we can just hang out and suck face?

BB: The new Jet Li movie came out.

NW: Really? Oh! Hmmm....!

BB: Hehe.

NW: Oh... I told Machu Pichu we would go and visit her this week. Wait. What if we go and see her before we go to the movie?

BB: OK. That sounds good.

NW: Yeah. Let me call her and let her know we're coming. I'll get her to cook us dinner too. She likes to barbecue.

(later...)

NW: Hey MP, what are you doing tomorrow night?

MP: Nothing. Why?

NW: BB and I will come over to your place.

MP: OK. What time?

NW: Oh, I figure about 6. We'll be going to the movies later. I would invite you along, but it's a Jet Li movie, and you hate kung fu.

MP: Yeah. 6? You guys want to have dinner?

NW: I thought you'd never ask.

MP: Haha! Yeah, right. So chicken?

NW: Nah. Steak. I plan on cooking chicken for BB for my second try.

MP: Steak? You gonna buy the steak for me?

NW: No.

MP: Bastard.

(that evening...)

I headed over to BB's place after dinner. We stayed in and watched a movie and sucked face.



The next evening we went over to MP's place and had steaks. After that, we headed to the movies.



Jet Li in the Mummy, yeah!

... errr.... no...

The movie sucked. Right off the bat, the movie was already putting me off. First, they said the first emperor of China, Qin Shi Huangdi, buried dead workers in the Great Wall. Um, you can't build a sturdy fortification with organic corpses that can rot away, weakening your structure.

Second, the picture they showed of the Great Wall...



Was really the Ming Wall, built over 1500 years later.

When I pointed out these errors, BB said, "you're so sexy when you talk history." Heh. I love her.

If you get free tickets to watch this movie, scalp them. When the movie was done, all I could think was that it was a waste of Jet Li. BB agreed saying that they really didn't need Jet Li to kick Brendan Fraser's ass. They could have gotten some random person to do that.

The following day, I took BB to the grocery store. It was dinner attempt #2. However, it figured that the store wouldn't have the kind of chicken I was looking for.



Chicken... how hard could it be to find chicken breasts?

I found some chicken patties and suggested dinner ala school lunch. BB just gave me a look. Pass on that idea.

So we ate out. Imu Hut. Good teri-fried chicken. If you're ever in Hanapepe, HI, try this place.



To make up for the lame movie, we watched another kung fu movie. This time with Jackie Chan. And even better, the bullshit in this movie was purely intentional.



BTW, dinner attempt #3 was successful. Baked chicken breast. heh.

Crazy Guy on a Nude Beach

House Monger: Hey, I'm free this weekend. Let's go hiking.

Nonwheezer: Okay.

HM: I want to go to that waterfall place.

NW: Okay.

(8:00 AM)

HM: Hey, change of plans. Let's go down to Mahaulepu. I want you to show me the nude beach.

NW: . . .

HM: I want to get rid of my tanlines.

NW: . . . uh.

And that's how I got roped into hiking to a nude beach.

NW: Alright. Pick me up at 10.

HM: Okay. See you then.

House Monger arrived promptly at 10:40, and we drove off to the south side. She had a lousy night with her partner (heh, sounds like she could be a lesbian, eh?) so we had to listen to depressing love songs. Lucky for me though, she kept talking and only stopped to breathe. Her chatter drowned out the sob-songs.



We left Mahaulepu. As you can see, the water looked great.



See?



Along the way, there were cool little spots like this.



30 minutes into the hike. Are we there yet?



Almost...



Sweet! Here it is. I don't know if it really is a nude beach, but it's secluded. You have to hike for about 45 minutes to get here, and there are many nooks and crannies you can hide your naked body in.



Frolic! Frolic! Frolic! Chariots of Fire!



I want to pump you up.



Um... I think this is sufficiently gay without any comment.



I was pooped after all that playing.

Dinner with a View

Part of Botany Babe's job is to hike out in the boonies to collect rare plant samples. I figure it's a tough job, but sometimes you get to see some really cool things. On her last hike, BB took pictures of a few incredible views to share with me. I think they look so pretty that I have to share it with more people.







The other night I told BB that I was considering cooking for her again. Sigh... me and my big mouth. She told me how long she would stay with me depends on how well I cook. No pressure, huh?



So I arrived, ingredients in hand, and started cooking. Things seemed to go well. BB was in good spirits, albeit a little hungry. The food smelled decent enough.



And we sat down to eat. BB lit some candles for mood lighting, and played some nice music on her CD player. Things seemed to be going well...

Then she took a bite.

"This is... sort of... bland."

There went the relationship.

But it turned out sort of fun. It was like I was meant to screw up dinner. We had a good time making fun of my cooking, and trying out different spices to season my slop. However, the fact was my cooking sucked, and thus BB would have to end the relationship.

But wait!



I was clever enough to bring along dessert. Knowing BB's weakness for ice cream, I bought some mochi ice cream. It was enough to give me a second chance.

Now I plan on cooking some chicken...

RTFM

If you didn't know, RTFM stands for: Read The Fucking Manual.

Bet you didn't know condoms came with manuals, eh? Now the fun part comes with reading the directions while you have a hard-on, with a naked woman by your side. Who the hell would do that?



Here's the part you can't really see in the pic:

Hold tip while you unroll condom... all the way down to the hair. [You're screwed if you shave or wax.] If condom doesn't unroll, it's on wrong [duh]. Throw it away. Start over with a new one.

The scary part is the pictures. Take a close look. The pictures are drawn in a really cartoony way. It's like Joe Camel... I think they're trying to market these condoms to kids. Perhaps they secretly want kids to start having sex. Maybe that's the reason why the male and female in the pictures have no bush, but instead have peach fuzz.

Ah heck. Maybe it might be a good thing for kids to start having safe sex.

Youth in Asia

Just another short posting. This time the theme is Asia. That's right kiddies. Asia.

Asia is the world's largest continent. It is also where we find China. Right now, China is very important in the world. China is hosting the Olympics, banning the eating of dogs... temporarily, subjugating Tibet, and poisoning our pets and children with toxic materials.

But the food is excellent.

Last week Machu Pichu and I headed to the local Bon Dance. Tattoo Girl was supposed to come along, but got tied up. If you don't know, a bon dance (o-bon) is a festival celebrating and remembering the departed. What you would see at a bon dance would be taiko drums, food, games, and Japanese country line dancing.



Before I left for my month long mainland journey, MP, TG, and I had planned to go to a bon dance together. I was supposed to get my mother to teach them how to dance. I, of course, would have conveniently disappeared during that time.

So here we see MP in the ring dancing. Clazy Lound-eye.



Continuing the Asian theme, I had a dinner date with Botany Babe. I picked her up in the evening. Since it was a special event, I dressed to the nines. I had a t-shirt, an oversized pair of basketball shorts, and slippers. I looked HOT!



We headed to a local grocery store and bought frozen saimin. Then we hit a Chinese take-out around the corner. The proprietress was in a good mood apparently since she wasn't yelling at the customers or her husband. We got some beef broccoli and char siu.

Next, we borrowed my mother's (turns out she's integral to this blog entry) pot and saimin bowls.

About 20 minutes later... Voila!



During dinner, I tried to teach BB how to say "shiru" and "gochisousamadeshita". She came close on the first one. A lot better than MP, who not only messed up the word for soup, but also messed up the name of my friend on their first meeting.

When eating saimin/ramen, it is customary to slurp the noodles. BB, God bless her, worked on her slurping until she ran out of noodles.



Burp! 'scuse me.

Introducing: Botany Babe... (and a weird guy dancing)

An earthquake hit California. A hurricane hit Texas.

What's going on? Seems like the world might end? It's probably my fault. You see, I met a girl. Her name is Botany Babe. We seem to be hitting it off well. I like her, and I'm pretty sure she likes me.

I mean... she bought me a CAR! How's that for a gift? The only thing I bought her was a scented candle and some ice cream. The way to a man's heart is a really cool mode of conveyance.












It's a Shelby Cobra. Heh.





It all started on out second date. We had time to kill before our movie (Mamma Mia) started, so I took Botany Babe to Walmart. I told her I would buy her a gift. Anything she wanted, as long as it was $1.89 give or take a few cents. She was leaning toward soaps, but then she found the scented candles.

On a later date, she said it was my turn to get a gift. We went into Long's and she set the price at $1.78. I headed for the Sanrio goods, but that was way out of the price range. I thought I would end up with something like sponges and cleaning supplies, when lo and behold, we ran into the toy section. Hot Wheels for $1.79. Sweet!



In other news, I was dancing in the canefield again when I totally remembered this video. Enjoy.

Rave Biker (31 year old English Teacher dances)