From Earthquakes to Donkey Punches

Our school had its first earthquake drill since I started work there. As you could guess, my school is located in a major earthquake zone. The last death due to an earthquake happened... um... never. So I'm sure this earthquake drill was just another thing we had to do to make someone, somewhere, feel reassured.

As much as I feel the drill was a bit ridiculous, the government spared no expense in developing the most awesome, foolproof plan possible. Using the intelligence of top officials, the earthquake drill's most profound procedure was Duck and Cover.

I was skeptical at first. How could just ducking and covering protect us from one of the most devastating of natural disasters? OK, honestly? I was laughing my ass off. I thought this idea was right up there with using smelly flowers to ward off the Black Death.

Then I did some research. I was shocked. I did not know how powerful Duck and Cover really was. I was once a skeptic. Now I am a believer. This is what I learned:

In 1995, a huge earthquake hit Kobe, Japan. Kenshiro Ashikaga lived on the 6th floor of an apartment building. The entire building collapsed with him in it. He was pulled out of the rubble three days later. He survived by ducking and covering.



1998 was a red letter year in the dustbowl. There were a record number of tornadoes that year. Billy Bob Jordy was at home in the Paleplains Trailer Park when a tornado came down and swooped up his mobile home. His trailer returned to terra firma 700 yards away. Jordy survived by using the duck and cover technique.



Three British tourists survived the Indonesian Tsunami when they ducked and covered under some plastic lawn furniture near their hotel. The raging waters flowed over their ducked and covered bodies and formed an air pocket which allowed them to survive.



Those who grew up under the threat of MAD, Mutual Assured Destruction, remember atomic bomb drills where they ducked and covered under their desks. It turns out that the best protection against explosive plutonium radiation is the duck and cover fetal position.

Hiroyuki Tsumabuki survived the bombing of Hiroshima by ducking and covering. He was about 300 feet from ground zero.



Palu, a Bikini islander, was left on Bikini Atoll as a practical joke. He owed an army sergeant $10 from a poker game. The sergeant decided to leave Palu on the island during the atomic bomb tests because he refused to settle the debt. Palu ducked and covered next to the nearest coconut tree and survived. He still owes the $10 though.



Ducking and covering can also protect people during military actions. Jose Jimenez, a government official, survived a Contra attack by ducking and covering. His entourage was attacked with grenades. Jimenez was the only survivor. However, I'm sure his ducking and covering was purely reflex and not part of a prepared disaster plan.



Along with military actions, ducking and covering can protect you from personal injuries due to violence. In the 1965 Watts Riots, Kevin Anderson was a geeky, white photographer. Three policemen were beaten right before him as he snapped away with his camera. Once they were done with the police, the mob moved toward Anderson. Anderson immediately ducked and covered, and the mob instantly lost sight of him. He remained hidden in the duck and cover position until help arrived.



A 2003 US travel bulletin described how the duck and cover position was the best defense against European football hooligans. Americans think soccermoms are crazy. Soccermoms are about as dangerous as a transsexual with his period compared to the hooligans. Yet there are several documented cases where American tourists were spared a right bashing by falling into the duck and cover position.



Ducking and covering also shows promise on the medical front. Officials in Budapest report that 90% of bird flu cases were quickly cured with the duck and cover procedure.



Stretch Johnson appears in the New England Journal of Medicine. He has successfully inseminated seventeen women infected with the herpes virus. By placing the women in the duck and cover position, then laying on top of them with his own duck and cover position, Johnson prevented the spread of the virus. Merck & Co. is currently developing a way to package the duck and cover for use as a vaccine for herpes.



Melinda Landis, a prostitute, was spared paralysis and blunt force trauma when she assumed the duck and cover position before her 230 pound trick donkey punched her.



So you see folks. The duck and cover emergency procedure is probably the most ingenious thing ever developed by man. Such a simple position can protect a person from all manner of harm. Do yourself a favor and learn to Duck and Cover.