Hawaii's Most Wanted Male

Unfortunately it wasn't for sex. Crap.

We trolls tend to be shunned by beautiful women. The only time we get said women is when we kidnap them and lock them in a dungeon or tower or something. Then some lame fairy in shining armor comes in and cockblocks us.

The last couple of days reinforced the aforementioned rule. Trolls don't get the women. Not unless we have something they need. Mainly brute force or specialty tools.



Imagine my surprise when GSX-RGirrrl called me and asked me over...

To service her motorcycle. sigh...



When I got to her house she had already drained the oil and removed the filter. All that was left for the oil change was to install a new filter and fill up with some over-priced motorcycle oil. The troll came in handy for holding the bike upright so that GSX-RGirrrl could check the oil level properly.

Now because she gets embarrassed easily, I won't mention that her funnel looked like some weird female urinal/bedpan thing. It was just as effective at funneling oil as a urinal too. And GSX-RGirrrl has a hard time pouring oil without spilling it everywhere. Luckily she sits or squats when she pees. If it was a real urinal scenario, we would have had to mop the floor.



Now it was time for me to whip out my specialty tool and jack off on her rear. I mean jack up her rear. Of the bike. Whatever.

Brute force and a Pitbull Stand later, and the bike's rear was off the ground. Now it was time to clean the chain. Motorcycle chains need to be cleaned and lubed regularly to prevent premature wear. GSX-RGirrrl's chain had been cleaned in, oh, never, so it was about time. The troll thought he had to clean the chain and was getting ready to get dirty when he was pushed aside. GSX-RGirrrl wanted the privilege of getting crud under her nails.



Since there was no need for brute force, the troll had nothing better to do than take pics with a phone camera and think up a blog.

GSX-RGirrrl got way too into the cleaning and decided it was time to brush her teeth. The last time she brushed them was around the last time she cleaned her chain. Never.



After the cleaning, GSX-RGirrrl sprayed on some chain lube. I use a chain wax. It's a different thing, but similar results. One can of chain wax lasted about 3 years for me. GSX-RGirrrl used about half a can in one sitting. She likes lots of lube. I guess she likes it slippery. All that extra lube will probably fling off and end up under her fender or on her tire or something. Oh well.

Then it was clean up time. That means wiping your hands all over your tee shirt instead of paper towels or rags.



One of the last things cleaned was my stand. GSX-RGirrrl took her time cleaning it. I guess she thought it resembled a phallus because she rubbed it down with the crotch of her shorts. Dedicated cleaner, that girl. When I grabbed the stand to put it in my truck, it slipped out of my hands. Leftover lube? Something was fishy.

Somewhere along the line GSX-RGirrrl punched my arm. I'm used to it. Trolls elicit fear and anger in people. However, while normal guys would take the punch, trolls punch back. I think we went four or five rounds and I punched her arm pretty hard too. I'm hoping to see a bruise next time I visit. That would be as cool as finding quarters in the payphones.



Was it over? Haha. No. Come on, dear reader. You should know my luck by now.

Judge Smails: Danny, I'm having a party this weekend.
(pause)
How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?

The Band Teacher called. "Hey, what are you doing tomorrow," she asked. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

"Why, nothing. I'm free for the whole day." Yes!

"Oh cool. Can you help me pick up some furniture for our other house?"

ACK!

At least it would be a different experience. The Band Teacher has been a kinder, gentler lioness to the troll. No more battering the trolls.

Luckily the furniture needed didn't have to be anything special. Just usable. So we hit K-Mart, the lesser Walmart, and checked things out. We priced some things and decided to come back after lunch to pick them up.

Since Borders was in the area, we stopped there to look around. I found a movie I wanted to see, so the Band Teacher, being nice to the troll, bought it for me. It was The Promise. It's an asian fantasy/martial arts movie.



Then we went to the Suzuki dealership because I needed to order new tires for my bike. While the counter girl was finishing up the paperwork, I went to the showroom and asked the Band Teacher if she would buy me a new GSX-R 750.



"That one's $5900," said the counter girl.

Fifty-nine hundred??? For a 750??? Really??? I had an incredulous look on my face.

"Oh, the 750? That's 10 grand. I thought you were looking at the SV."

*cry*

Then the Band Teacher fed me lunch. Boy, she was really buttering me up.

We returned to K-Mart to pick up the furniture. I didn't really pick it up. When you're as smart as me, you find the young, uninjured sales people to do your heavy lifting.

Back at the Band Teacher's house... err... second house, brute force came into play again. I had to start putting together the furniture, starting with chairs.



But not just one chair. Nooooo. That's not a good use for your troll. You need to make him put together 4 chairs and a table. Yeah! And make sure you give him stone tools to work with, and have parts that never fit properly.



While the troll was slaving away, the Band Teacher set up the microwave oven and coffee maker she bought. I do need to mention that she threatened me several times with various kitchen knives, so I was a very well behaved troll.



I almost forgot to tell you about the funny part of the adventure. GSX-RGirrrl has this rather curious habit. She likes to smell things. She smelled the oil, the drain plug, the fill cap, the kerosene, the chain, the brush, the chain lube, and everything else she could get her hands on. She told me not to say anything about it though and ... um... oops.