Fantasy Island... for cheap.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

How was your Labor Day weekend?

It's not like I really care to know. I'm just asking so that I can talk about my weekend and gloat.

Yup, I had a great time. Pretty close to a Fantasy Island type mini-vacation. In fact, when it was over, I felt almost like Edward Anderton and Jocelyn Kirsch. If you don't know who they are, they are the young, attractive couple that ran an identity-fraud scheme. They stole the identities of their friends and neighbors, and used stolen funds to vacation in Hawaii, London, and Paris. But unlike them, I actually paid a little bit using my own money.

So what did my Fantasy Island weekend look like?

How about three nights in a million-dollar home. This house was located on a really lush hillside. My favorite part of the house was a former patio. It had been enclosed and made into an extension of the living/dining room. The walls were nearly all glass windows, and the room was surrounded by beautiful, large, green trees. It was like you could step out of the dining room and into a tropical rainforest. The rain at night added to the ambiance. That, and the house had great lighting with dimmer switches located everywhere to provide romantic mood lighting.

After spending the first night there, Botany Babe and I had brunch at a well established local restaurant that served good food with quick service and low prices. We had Quarter Pounder Meals.

Later that day, I went mountain biking. BB continued working on decorating an envelop box for a wedding. I may be biased, but I think she has great talent for decorating. She made a shit-ugly fishing box look like a present for the princess of Xanadu.

Then we met up at the $$$ House for our second night. This time, we spent the evening watching a classic movie on a 60 inch TV. You've never really experienced home theater until you've heard Jay say, "All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob," on a stereo surround sound system.

The next day BB went to church and I got to ride my motorcycle. BB got to show off her box (don't be thinking that about my girl) to her aunt, who then showered her with praise.

The third night went well. We got lots of sleep since we didn't have to be anywhere in the morning. We got out of bed at 9:30 instead of the usual 6:00. After washing up, we headed off to the mall.

We had an Asian style lunch. Very exotic. And reasonably priced too. (It was a Korean BBQ place) Then we went shopping. We didn't buy much, but we pretended we were big spenders. We looked at jewelry, and shoes, and pretty dresses. In the end, it's no fun to be in a mall without spending money, so we bought some tape and gum. Unfortunately, we ended up behind two old ladies at the register. It took us 15 minutes to get out of that store.

Once free of that retail establishment, we headed off to a spa located in a plantation-style resort. We got a couples massage... mmmm... It's a great feeling having someone rub your naked body for an hour. After that, we were feeling nice and mellow, so we laid in a hammock by the sea. It was the resort's hammock, and we weren't guests of the resort, but who cares? We enjoyed a nice hour cuddling to the sounds of waves crashing on shore.

Before we got too cozy, we headed off to yet another house we would never be able to afford. This one was located a bit off the beaten path. It was decorated with a classic touristy-adventurer theme. It was like a South Pacific movie poster. The house also had a great view. It overlooked about a mile of coffee fields with a clear view of the ocean.

But the real treat was the outdoor shower. BB and I were still slick with massage lotion on our bodies, so we hopped in the shower. Imagine a beautiful vine covered lava rock walled shower. There was very little wind, blue skies, and lots of hot water. I didn't want to get out.

And to finish off the great weekend, we ate free homestyle cooking courtesy of my mom. Heh.

PS: MPS and BiL, Machu Pichu tried to trick me into working for her at the farm fair. I didn't fall for it.

Beautiful Memory

and I said, "I really loved this weekend with you, in the outdoor shower. The warm water splashing on us. The blue sky above us. The gentle breeze. The vine covered lava rock walls. The sweet smelling shampoos. The naked bodies slippery with soap. And you pointing out the pimple on my back."

Dinner X3 with a Movie

Last time I tried to cook dinner for Botany Babe, it came out bland... a fact she has never let me forget. So to redeem myself, I vowed to cook her a good meal.

But first, there was a movie to see.

BB: Hey, what do you want to do tonight?

Nonwheezer: I don't know. Maybe we can just hang out and suck face?

BB: The new Jet Li movie came out.

NW: Really? Oh! Hmmm....!

BB: Hehe.

NW: Oh... I told Machu Pichu we would go and visit her this week. Wait. What if we go and see her before we go to the movie?

BB: OK. That sounds good.

NW: Yeah. Let me call her and let her know we're coming. I'll get her to cook us dinner too. She likes to barbecue.

(later...)

NW: Hey MP, what are you doing tomorrow night?

MP: Nothing. Why?

NW: BB and I will come over to your place.

MP: OK. What time?

NW: Oh, I figure about 6. We'll be going to the movies later. I would invite you along, but it's a Jet Li movie, and you hate kung fu.

MP: Yeah. 6? You guys want to have dinner?

NW: I thought you'd never ask.

MP: Haha! Yeah, right. So chicken?

NW: Nah. Steak. I plan on cooking chicken for BB for my second try.

MP: Steak? You gonna buy the steak for me?

NW: No.

MP: Bastard.

(that evening...)

I headed over to BB's place after dinner. We stayed in and watched a movie and sucked face.



The next evening we went over to MP's place and had steaks. After that, we headed to the movies.



Jet Li in the Mummy, yeah!

... errr.... no...

The movie sucked. Right off the bat, the movie was already putting me off. First, they said the first emperor of China, Qin Shi Huangdi, buried dead workers in the Great Wall. Um, you can't build a sturdy fortification with organic corpses that can rot away, weakening your structure.

Second, the picture they showed of the Great Wall...



Was really the Ming Wall, built over 1500 years later.

When I pointed out these errors, BB said, "you're so sexy when you talk history." Heh. I love her.

If you get free tickets to watch this movie, scalp them. When the movie was done, all I could think was that it was a waste of Jet Li. BB agreed saying that they really didn't need Jet Li to kick Brendan Fraser's ass. They could have gotten some random person to do that.

The following day, I took BB to the grocery store. It was dinner attempt #2. However, it figured that the store wouldn't have the kind of chicken I was looking for.



Chicken... how hard could it be to find chicken breasts?

I found some chicken patties and suggested dinner ala school lunch. BB just gave me a look. Pass on that idea.

So we ate out. Imu Hut. Good teri-fried chicken. If you're ever in Hanapepe, HI, try this place.



To make up for the lame movie, we watched another kung fu movie. This time with Jackie Chan. And even better, the bullshit in this movie was purely intentional.



BTW, dinner attempt #3 was successful. Baked chicken breast. heh.

Crazy Guy on a Nude Beach

House Monger: Hey, I'm free this weekend. Let's go hiking.

Nonwheezer: Okay.

HM: I want to go to that waterfall place.

NW: Okay.

(8:00 AM)

HM: Hey, change of plans. Let's go down to Mahaulepu. I want you to show me the nude beach.

NW: . . .

HM: I want to get rid of my tanlines.

NW: . . . uh.

And that's how I got roped into hiking to a nude beach.

NW: Alright. Pick me up at 10.

HM: Okay. See you then.

House Monger arrived promptly at 10:40, and we drove off to the south side. She had a lousy night with her partner (heh, sounds like she could be a lesbian, eh?) so we had to listen to depressing love songs. Lucky for me though, she kept talking and only stopped to breathe. Her chatter drowned out the sob-songs.



We left Mahaulepu. As you can see, the water looked great.



See?



Along the way, there were cool little spots like this.



30 minutes into the hike. Are we there yet?



Almost...



Sweet! Here it is. I don't know if it really is a nude beach, but it's secluded. You have to hike for about 45 minutes to get here, and there are many nooks and crannies you can hide your naked body in.



Frolic! Frolic! Frolic! Chariots of Fire!



I want to pump you up.



Um... I think this is sufficiently gay without any comment.



I was pooped after all that playing.

Dinner with a View

Part of Botany Babe's job is to hike out in the boonies to collect rare plant samples. I figure it's a tough job, but sometimes you get to see some really cool things. On her last hike, BB took pictures of a few incredible views to share with me. I think they look so pretty that I have to share it with more people.







The other night I told BB that I was considering cooking for her again. Sigh... me and my big mouth. She told me how long she would stay with me depends on how well I cook. No pressure, huh?



So I arrived, ingredients in hand, and started cooking. Things seemed to go well. BB was in good spirits, albeit a little hungry. The food smelled decent enough.



And we sat down to eat. BB lit some candles for mood lighting, and played some nice music on her CD player. Things seemed to be going well...

Then she took a bite.

"This is... sort of... bland."

There went the relationship.

But it turned out sort of fun. It was like I was meant to screw up dinner. We had a good time making fun of my cooking, and trying out different spices to season my slop. However, the fact was my cooking sucked, and thus BB would have to end the relationship.

But wait!



I was clever enough to bring along dessert. Knowing BB's weakness for ice cream, I bought some mochi ice cream. It was enough to give me a second chance.

Now I plan on cooking some chicken...

RTFM

If you didn't know, RTFM stands for: Read The Fucking Manual.

Bet you didn't know condoms came with manuals, eh? Now the fun part comes with reading the directions while you have a hard-on, with a naked woman by your side. Who the hell would do that?



Here's the part you can't really see in the pic:

Hold tip while you unroll condom... all the way down to the hair. [You're screwed if you shave or wax.] If condom doesn't unroll, it's on wrong [duh]. Throw it away. Start over with a new one.

The scary part is the pictures. Take a close look. The pictures are drawn in a really cartoony way. It's like Joe Camel... I think they're trying to market these condoms to kids. Perhaps they secretly want kids to start having sex. Maybe that's the reason why the male and female in the pictures have no bush, but instead have peach fuzz.

Ah heck. Maybe it might be a good thing for kids to start having safe sex.

Youth in Asia

Just another short posting. This time the theme is Asia. That's right kiddies. Asia.

Asia is the world's largest continent. It is also where we find China. Right now, China is very important in the world. China is hosting the Olympics, banning the eating of dogs... temporarily, subjugating Tibet, and poisoning our pets and children with toxic materials.

But the food is excellent.

Last week Machu Pichu and I headed to the local Bon Dance. Tattoo Girl was supposed to come along, but got tied up. If you don't know, a bon dance (o-bon) is a festival celebrating and remembering the departed. What you would see at a bon dance would be taiko drums, food, games, and Japanese country line dancing.



Before I left for my month long mainland journey, MP, TG, and I had planned to go to a bon dance together. I was supposed to get my mother to teach them how to dance. I, of course, would have conveniently disappeared during that time.

So here we see MP in the ring dancing. Clazy Lound-eye.



Continuing the Asian theme, I had a dinner date with Botany Babe. I picked her up in the evening. Since it was a special event, I dressed to the nines. I had a t-shirt, an oversized pair of basketball shorts, and slippers. I looked HOT!



We headed to a local grocery store and bought frozen saimin. Then we hit a Chinese take-out around the corner. The proprietress was in a good mood apparently since she wasn't yelling at the customers or her husband. We got some beef broccoli and char siu.

Next, we borrowed my mother's (turns out she's integral to this blog entry) pot and saimin bowls.

About 20 minutes later... Voila!



During dinner, I tried to teach BB how to say "shiru" and "gochisousamadeshita". She came close on the first one. A lot better than MP, who not only messed up the word for soup, but also messed up the name of my friend on their first meeting.

When eating saimin/ramen, it is customary to slurp the noodles. BB, God bless her, worked on her slurping until she ran out of noodles.



Burp! 'scuse me.

Introducing: Botany Babe... (and a weird guy dancing)

An earthquake hit California. A hurricane hit Texas.

What's going on? Seems like the world might end? It's probably my fault. You see, I met a girl. Her name is Botany Babe. We seem to be hitting it off well. I like her, and I'm pretty sure she likes me.

I mean... she bought me a CAR! How's that for a gift? The only thing I bought her was a scented candle and some ice cream. The way to a man's heart is a really cool mode of conveyance.












It's a Shelby Cobra. Heh.





It all started on out second date. We had time to kill before our movie (Mamma Mia) started, so I took Botany Babe to Walmart. I told her I would buy her a gift. Anything she wanted, as long as it was $1.89 give or take a few cents. She was leaning toward soaps, but then she found the scented candles.

On a later date, she said it was my turn to get a gift. We went into Long's and she set the price at $1.78. I headed for the Sanrio goods, but that was way out of the price range. I thought I would end up with something like sponges and cleaning supplies, when lo and behold, we ran into the toy section. Hot Wheels for $1.79. Sweet!



In other news, I was dancing in the canefield again when I totally remembered this video. Enjoy.

Rave Biker (31 year old English Teacher dances)

How to Succeed at Work

How to succeed in the workplace: First, do not fall asleep during a mandatory presentation titled "Duties and Responsibilities of an Effective Teacher."

Second, try not to have the Principal be the one to wake you up.

Third, do whatever you can to stay awake during the presentation on teacher evaluations.

Just a little something

The other day we were having lunch after mountain biking. Riley asked J, who recently moved to Oahu, if he still didn't have a car.

"It's shouldn't be too bad if he doesn't. Oahu has an extensive public bus system," I said.

Riley then stopped eating. "You know, just 'cause you're a world traveler, doesn't mean you're Jacques Cousteau."


*****

Prior to returning to Hawaii, I went into a Best Buy to pick up a portable dvd player. Best Buy in St. Paul has a clever gimmick. They hire cute, blonde, college girls who actually have brains. Now seeing all these girls led me to believe an ad I saw (can't remember where I saw it) was real.

I walked to the check out. It was manned by a young man in his early 20s. He had long nerd hair and wore glasses. Near the check out area was the Geek Squad counter. I queried the register boy about the ad I saw...

"You work here, and there's a Geek Squad right there. Maybe you heard of this..."

"Heard of what, sir," the trader asked.

"Apparently there's a girl who got fired from the Geek Squad. She says she's in college and needs money. So now you can hire her to play World of Warcraft, in your home, nude."

"Play in the nude? Why would anyone want that?"

I looked at who I was talking to and decided to give up. "Nevermind."

True story!